Last week the Wisconsin State Journal listed a story on the front page with the headline, 'Onion Editors Favor Tubby Wisconsinites.' The article went on to explain how the editors of the satirical publication had an easier time taking file footage of overweight people when their headquarters were in Wisconsin, rather than their current home in New York City.
This article is hardly news to Wisconsin residents. We are a state rich in deep-fried foods, beer, cream, cheese and brats. It is amazing we haven't had one collective heart attack yet. We are the very big butt of the nation's jokes (recall the Simpson's episode when Homer yells 'In your face, Milwaukee!' after Springfield becomes the fattest city). But no one seems to mind. We make up for it with bike trails, ski slopes and a fitness club or two. We get fresh fruit at the Farmer's Market to negate the six brats we eat at Brat Fest. We justify it to ourselves. But while it makes sense in our head, we are being laughed at everywhere else.
So I am proposing getting rid of a few distractions. Like many of you, I am part of the problem. As I am writing, I am avoiding a beautiful evening outside, while watching old episodes of '24' and popping Werther's Originals in my mouth faster than an old man. We all need some reforms, and I think we should start with some of the newest developments.
Consider the most recent distraction from health and wellness: a pizza with individual balls of dough and cheese instead of crust. Pizza wasn't bad enough for people, so they had to add bites of something fried and cheesy. It is the equivalent of adding caramel corn to a banana split or attaching little mini-knives to your fist before punching someone in the face. There is such a thing as overkill, and Pizza Hut may have found it. Hey, Pizza Hut, how about a pizza wrapped in a chocolate-covered funnel cake? That would sell like mad.
Or how about the refrigerator with a television in the door? The commercial comes right out and says something to this effect: Eating and television, combining the two things you love. What's next, a spicy chicken sandwich with Bluetooth technology and ring back tones?
As consumers, Wisconsin residents and hungry people, we need to band together. We can't let these companies tempt us with food and devices, which assault us with cream filling and extra pepperoni. Wisconsinites are known for a few things: being fat, TV shows from or involving the 1970s and the actor from the original 'Dukes Of Hazzard,' Tom Wopat. It is high time Tom Wopat gets the credit he deserves and moves up on that list. The only way to do it is to fight the battle of the bulge.
The editors of The Onion have awakened a sleeping giant. We may have been awakened once before with Atkins, but this time we are turning off the alarm and actually getting out of bed. We will not tolerate the jokes, the name-calling or the file photos any longer. We need to band together, citizens of Wisconsin. Taking pictures of fat people here may have been like shooting fish at a grocery store deli, but it is high time we rise up or at least slouch less. United we stand, divided we fall, one nation under chicken fries.
