Today is Presidents Day, a national holiday dedicated to celebrating the past leaders of our nation. Most people see these forefathers as stuffy, stodgy old coots; in short, wanksters. But actually, nothing could be further from the truth. Some of our commanders in chief were the illest playas of their respective eras, as their connections to some recent hip-hop artists display. Here is an examination of a few of the original gangstas who have ascended to the United States' highest public office.
William Henry Harrison (1841)
2Pac entered the rap game with a drug-related background, and Harrison could have entered the Presidential game with one too'he was the U.S. Minister to Colombia from 1829-1830. And when Pac said in 'Me Against the World' that he was 'Makin' millions, witnessin' killin's, leavin' dead bodies in abandoned buildin's,' it could have been Harrison referring to his slaughter of Tecumseh's Indian Confederacy at the Battle of Tippecanoe. These things earned Harrison the street cred he needed to be elected. But like Pac, he didn't survive to reach his potential after keeping it a bit too real with an epic two-hour inaugural address, delivered coatless in extremely cold and windy conditions, leading to his death from pneumonia in 32 days.
John Tyler (1841-1845)
Harrison's vice president and presidential successor John Tyler was the first president not elected to the office and was often called 'His Accidency' during his term. He may not have excited the American populace, but the same could not be said for the ladies, a few of whom contributed to producing his whopping total of 15 children. Historians now regard Tyler as a lame duck president but also the Union's most stone-cold P.I.M.P. until 50 Cent arguably equaled him 159 years later. Another similarity to Fiddy was Tyler's propensity to endanger his entourage. In an incident eerily similar to G-Unit's violent altercation with former ally The Game's crew, a ceremonial firing of a naval ship on the Potomac in 1844 accidentally killed Tyler's secretaries of State and the Navy. But even that couldn't stop Tyler's playa-ness; he met his second wife, who was 30 years younger than him, at the same ceremony.
Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)
After failing to secure the Democratic nomination in 1856, thereby ending his presidency after one term, Pierce eloquently declared, 'There's nothing left to do but get drunk.' YEEEAAAYYYEEEAAHH! Accounts differ on whether he was holding a crunk-juice goblet or wearing his diamond-inlayed platinum grill at the time, but even if he wasn't there are still plenty of connections to Lil' Jon. For one, Pierce shared Jon's fondness for fast and furious driving. While riding his horse (which was equipped with spinning horseshoe-rims) after getting seriously crunk, Pierce was arrested for running over a pedestrian'while in office. And after his term, the New Hampshire native turned straight-up Dirty South. He gave his support to the Confederacy and his former Secretary of War Jefferson Davis during the Civil War, leaving the Union to utter a collective 'WHAAAAAAATT!'
Chester Alan Arthur (1881-1885)
Known for changing pants several times per day from his collection of over 80 pairs, as well as refusing to move into the White House until 24 wagonloads of furniture were auctioned off and replaced by pieces selected by his interior decorator (a member of the Tiffany family), Arthur is now recognized to be the first metrosexual to inhabit the White House. His impeccable fashion sense is mirrored by another unusually chic dresser: Kanye West. If Kanye claimed Arthur didn't care about black people, he would have argued that the 1883 ruling that Congress could not outlaw racial discrimination was decided by the Supreme Court and not him. But he definitely did not care about Asian people, signing a bill into law in 1882 prohibiting Chinese immigration. Also, the father of Arthur's wife was the captain of the doomed S.S. Central America, which carried what became the largest sunken treasure in American history and was still unrecovered at the time of their marriage. Now I ain't sayin' he a gold digger...
Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
In 1898, Roosevelt led the famous charge up San Juan Hill, ensuring victory in the Spanish-American War, giving the naturally sickly asthmatic the gangsta background he needed to get into office and bringing national fame to his cavalry, the Rough Riders. It would be 100 years exactly until the release of DMX's It's Dark and Hell Is Hot, bringing recognition back to the Ruff Ryders, as they are more accurately known (some words were still not standardized in the late 19th century, accounting for Roosevelt's incorrect spelling). Leaving office at the age of only 51, Roosevelt devoted his time to big-game hunting in Africa, killing thousands of animals and nearly driving the white rhino into extinction. But hey, that's how Ruff Ryders roll.
