Expletives have been replaced by 'happy words' to further help in keeping this column in 'the mood.'
Believe it or not, your special someone might prefer something free versus an expensive gift. This doesn't apply to everyone, but those who care only for the material are gradually being identified thanks to reality TV and shows on VH1 and the E! network. For the rest of the fish in the sea, I propose this: bait thy hook with words. At least do so until she bites, then yank back hard and quick so the barbs get caught in her gills and there's no chance to break free. That's what she deserves for biting.
What words do you write down to win her over? That's easier than you might think. The short answer is something from the heart. The long answer is something from the heart which is buried in enough clich?? that any passing observer wouldn't be sure if you just complimented their eyes or insulted their mom. Here's what I mean; Guess which line is better:
1)From the depth in your eyes I can truly see, how anything before you was worthless;
2)Your eyes make me forget that itch, that your mom gave me, that bubbles.
If you chose number 1, congratulations, eyes are good, mom is worthless, and she is none the wiser.
If you chose number 2?? um, no, bad poet, bad. Go in the corner.
Now that you have mastered being vague, you need to take it to the next level. Make it impressive. ' in other words, no haiku. True haiku masters can say a lifetime's worth in 17 syllables, but not you. No one will be swooning when they hear:
I know that I suck
How I got you, must be luck
Hey that rhymed, sweet fairies
It's best to take a full commercial break to get your feelings out. Or if you find that you actually do have something to say and two minutes isn't enough, you could always write it in the bathroom instead of reading Maxim/FHM/Blender/Martha Stewart Living. Besides, the smartest things we think of occur to us in the john. It's the place where you realized maybe seven mixers, four shots and a glass of WOP shouldn't be followed a pound of Pokey Sticks after all.
So take your time and remember: size matters. Three lines probably won't impress anyone. Eight lines will get you some respect. Twelve paragraphs and you're more or less just causing pain. Unless the person is really into poetry and has over time come to need something effusive just to feel anything. Like an eloquently written hotdog down a prose loving hallway. But your average listener should feel touched by something long enough to tell them you care and why.
Finally, before you just start rattling off books of verse to her you have to make it personal. Get the color right when you tell her that just looking into her eyes makes it seem as if nothing else matters but the two of you. Oh and start with the eyes, they're easy. From there you can build and practice until you can turn 'you're dumb as stones' into 'only someone like you would give me a chance.'
Just don't expect to be able to jot down the perfect words overnight. It takes practice. Practice and time to Google up some lyrics to an emo band you're sure she'll never listen to. But be careful, if she ever hears the band, you're puppies.
