The Badger Baloney is obviously fake news'merely a satirical commentary on life in Madison. Except in the case of public figures, the people are not real.
Early last semester UW'Madison officials announced Elizabeth Waters Hall'historically an all-female dormitory'would admit male residents beginning in the fall of 2006. UW-Madison spokespersons cited a shift away from single sex housing preferences among students as its reasoning for the decision.
Months later, an investigation by The Badger Baloney has revealed that Madison administrators forced this transition out of continued concerns that Liz Waters had become a hotbed of lesbianism. A number of anonymous sources and a trail of secret documents have found that UW officials are conducting a subtle behind-the-scenes campaign to root out hot girl-on-girl action in university housing.
'What we have here is a purposeful and systematic attempt to eliminate the beautiful art of two women getting it on with each other,' said one anonymous UW-Madison official.
In the 1960s America experienced a 'sexual revolution' and Madison was not spared. Rumors circulated that some women in Liz Waters were experiencing their own sexual awakening and turning towards lesbianism. Thus was born the popular tag 'Lez Waters' for the dormitory.
'Rebelling against social norms and experimentation are all critical parts of the collegiate life,' wrote noted sociologist Carrie Worther in her 1977 best selling book, 'The Dyke Wave.' 'All-female dorms became the central location for this rebellion and experimentation.'
An increase in registration for intramural softball players and whispers of 'dining at the 'Y',' which hardly referred to Waters' own food services, led to discrete university action to stem the tide of female homosexual activity in the dorms.
Under the guise of 'decreased student interest' UW officials opened two other all-female dorms, Chadbourne and Barnard, to males in 1995 and 2001, respectively.
In August, administrators, following their so-far successful plan, reported that less than 200 of the 488 beds in Liz Waters had willing applicants, forcing housing officials to assign residents to a hall not of their choosing.
According to documents leaked to The Badger Baloney, the exact opposite situation exists as requests for all-female dorm rooms exceeds the capacity of Waters and semester transfer requests from the dormitory are at an all-time high.
'Our latest figures show that interest in Elizabeth Waters Hall has doubled,' said one inter-departmental memo. 'This can only mean that these women are seeking the opportunity to make sweet love to their own fair sex. This must be stopped at all costs.'
'In our latest surveys, the university has determined that pillow fights, group showers and partner moisturizer application continues in the all-women dormitories,' another memo read. 'These actions are believed to lead to increased lesbian encounters.'
Despite the university's actions, lesbianism on campus has continued to find its outlet. Nearly barred from the dormitories, females have found that bars are the perfect place to displace their lesbian curiosity.
Just as an all-female dorm would create a comfort zone for college-age girls to drop their inhibitions, experimental women (and their male observers) have found that alcohol provides a similar warm and embracing aura.Few objections are seen in such situations.
'Wooo! Hooo!' UW-Madison junior Kevin Collins said. 'Two chicks making out!'
