I woke up at 6:30 a.m. for what seemed like the first time since Nick Arcade was on the air. During winter break, I had the luxury of going to bed just as 'Good Morning America' came on. But yesterday was different, and consequently, yesterday was awful. I stood under the shower for four minutes before realizing the water was cold. At the grips of hypothermia, I said to myself, 'I need one more week.'
After coming to and getting ready for class, I realized my cryptic note-to-self was spot on. Winter break was not long enough to truly be considered a break. I got home from finals and before I could get my laundry done it was New Year's. On no grounds other than the fact that I am tired and sick of class already, I feel I am owed an additional few days off. Heck, we're in this together now, so you deserve some too.
I have taken the liberty of coming up with a few ways to get you out of class. Tired clich??s like a death in the family have been avoided because there is nothing more unfunny than a dead person, unless of course it's a clown or Rick James.
First, I looked at holidays. Not the stuffy, go-to-house-of-worship-instead-of-school type of holidays, but the fun ones that can easily be applied to all religions, except Punch Puppies While Mocking Old People Day, which is universally frowned upon.
Some holidays for today include Thesaurus Day'or Synonym Book Day'whichever the case may be. This one may work for getting out of class because your professors may appreciate the fact that you are celebrating the life and times of everyone's favorite reference book. Today is also Winnie the Pooh Day, as it is A.A. Milne's birthday. To ring in Winnie The Pooh Day, eat some honey, hang out with a side of bacon and make fun of a suicidal donkey. That will take up your entire afternoon, and you will be reliving fantastic literature.
Other holidays for the week include National Popcorn Day, Penguin Awareness Day and the ever-so-delicious National Buttercrunch Day. That one runs the culinary gamut from sundaes to candy. This topping is the new ranch dressing, get in on the ground floor.
If you've had your fill of holiday fun but still want to avoid class, consider faking a disease. Don't pick something too far-fetched because it will arouse suspicion, and anything too common means it can safely be assumed you are just lazy. May I suggest the following ailments: back spasms, ear infection, scarlet fever or if you don't mind wearing a brace to class every once in awhile, a flare up of carpal tunnel. All of these are easy to catch, can last a few days, but are completely curable and perfect for getting out of a few days of class.
If both of these ideas are a no-go, I have one last suggestion for you: go to class. No, don't go to your boring classes, go to someone else's! Have you ever been to an art class? Have you always wondered what the food science kids do all day? Make up a fake name if you want, or switch schedules with a friend. Take a break from the norm and see what you're missing.
Best of luck on the first week back, and remember, it is only 50 days until spring break.
