The first time a stranger shocked me on the topic of sex was when I was 17. I waltzed into Wal-Mart and inconspicuously grabbed a box of condoms. Not wanting to look like I was 17 and solely buying condoms, I opted to also buy a magazine.
The 30-something checkout clerk scanned both of my items and took my money without saying anything. Thinking I was home free from embarrassment, I happily said, 'Thank you.' As she handed me the receipt, she winked and replied, 'Now you have a fun time tonight.' To this day, I still chuckle about my first time buying condoms and even though I used the right precautions to avoid an STD, later in life I had an experience that really got me scared.
Although I was the ninth-best freshman in my high school cross-country team's conference, during college I must admit I have become somewhat lazy. Lazy as hell. One day last year, my friend Tyler thought it would be a great idea for us to run five miles. I grudgingly accepted.
While going to the bathroom afterward and contemplating how sore I inevitably would be the following day, I looked down and'red! Red! Red! Oh, my God! I shuddered to realize that blood was what I was peeing, not urine like one would naturally assume.
Apparently, the release of blood causes extreme discomfort when going to the bathroom'and also for about thirty-six minutes afterwards. (Trust me: I counted every minute and someday so will you!)
Though I haven't been overly sexually active in college, I quickly had fears that I contracted an STD from a particular ex-girlfriend.
During my visit to the doctor, I learned the important lesson that a person needs to have liquid in their bladder if they have lived a sedentary life for three years and suddenly plans to run their ass off. Reportedly, I ruptured some blood vessels from all the friction.
Just to be sure the doctor was right, I also had them test me for STDs. Not something I'm particularly proud of now, but it's better to be safe than sorry.
'Jonathan, have you ever had anal sex'? the medical student asked nonchalantly. 'Nope.'
'Have you ever been the recipient of anal penetration'? he asked in an equally casual tone.
Now I have not participated in the reception of anal penetration before; however, this questions sounds like FedEx is going to drop off a box at my house between two and 4 p.m., rather then somebody inserting themselves into my butt.
Quite confused and wondering why they needed to ask so many anal questions, I questioned whether this guy was coming on to me. I responded, 'No; I have not.'
'Would you ever engage in anal penetration'?
Hold the phone! What the hell did that matter?
As far as I knew, medical testing for sexually transmitted diseases was only helpful in determining if you have an STD, not if you will have an STD. More confused than before and now completely convinced that I was being solicited for sex by this guy, I coolly responded, 'Nope. I have not given, received, nor will ever give or receive anal penetration. No anal sex. I think we can move on now.'
So, I hope you realize that buying condoms at Wal-Mart will not completely reduce your chances of STDs, but maybe by using condoms, you will be able to avoid all the anal-related discomfort from the guy in the lab coat I have had to endure. And just because exercising is good for you does not mean there isn't any pain involved.
