I usually use this column every week to expound upon the very serious importance of seemingly-trivial topics like grilled cheese, hooking up at College Library and Aquaman. Recently, however, an issue has arisen such that I must break with tradition and offer you some hard-hitting news analysis. What makes this story so exceptional? To paraphrase Gwen Stefani, this news is bananas.
Last Monday, the Capitol hosted a public hearing regarding Senate Bill 352, which, if passed, would create a Wisconsin Aerospace Authority. This WAA would be assembled with the intent of establishing facilities for space travel in our very own state, complete with its own spaceports for the launching and receiving of spacecraft.
Upon first hearing of it, I snickered. 'A Wisconsin space program'? I said, incredulous. 'What are they gonna do? Put a launching pad in Sheboygan'?
As it turns out, that's exactly what they want to do.
One of the proposed outcomes of the bill'which, by the way, was met with wide support'would be the construction of a spaceport in Sheboygan, creatively dubbed 'Spaceport Sheboygan.' Do you understand the implications of this? Future explorers may one day boldly go where no man has gone before, but they'll have to go through Sheboygan to get there.
Now, I'm not saying this is not feasible. According to a presentation given at the hearing, Sheboygan is an ideal location for a spaceport because of its proximity to a large body of water, Lake Michigan.
A Wisconsin Aerospace Authority would also be economically beneficial for the state, as the presentation claimed commercial space travel and space tourism are growing industries due for a boom in the near future, citing Amazon.com founder and CEO Jeff Bezos' own plans to develop vehicles for space tourism as evidence.
(To be fair, however, just because Bezos endorses something doesn't mean it's practical. With all that Amazon money behind him, I'm sure he could commission a pleasure palace to be constructed in Costa Rica entirely out of strawberry ice cream and not be too strapped for cash when the project falls through.)
I also mean no disrespect to the fair city of Sheboygan. I am merely saying that I would never have expected to hear the words 'Sheboygan' and 'space travel' so closely linked in my lifetime. Sheboygan conjures to mind images of brats, beer, fishing and golfing, not rocketry. I also think of polka, although that might not be to its credit: I've always thought Stanley Kubrick's '2001: A Space Odyssey' could stand some cheering up, and what better to accomplish this than replacing the classical score with a rousing refrain of 'Roll Out the Barrel'?
The presentation claimed Spaceport Sheboygan could launch commercial flights to the Earth's moon as well. Picture the souvenirs you'll receive twenty years from now from space-faring relatives on vacation: 'Look, honey, postcards from Doug and Ellen's trip! Here's one from the Sea of Tranquility. This one's from the International Space Station. Ooh, look, the Old Wisconsin sausage factory!'
Perhaps I am overreacting. It may be that building spaceports in unassuming towns like Sheboygan will be commonplace in the near future. But it staggers the mind to think that one day I could buy a ticket to the moon and have flight delays strand me in Poughkeepsie.
