I don't want to stress you out, but Thanksgiving break is over, winter break is a month away and in between the two lies a diabolical consortium of end-of-term papers (all conveniently scheduled by your professors to be due on the same day) and final exams. It is around this time of year that the notion of hurling yourself off the top of Van Hise becomes increasingly appealing.
Well, fret no longer, kiddies. Your Uncle Justin is here to help you get through this wretched month with a list of reasons to live that you may not have thought of before now.
Egg nog: I never know when exactly they start stocking egg nog en masse in the grocery store, but my heart grows three sizes each year when my eye first catches sight of that pale yellow nectar mixed in amongst the milk jugs. For some people, egg nog is merely a handy medium for booze. I, however, drink it straight and love it. If you've been searching in vain for something a little heavier than milk but not as thick as a malt'and I just know you have been'this is the beverage for you. I sometimes think I would drink it all year round if I could, but it's probably for the best that it's only available in winter. I don't suppose a tall glass of milk and eggs is actually a good idea on a 90-degree summer's day.
Getting to wear awesome winter jackets: This, of course, is dependent on you actually owning an awesome winter jacket in the first place. Mine is a German army jacket I bought from Ragstock freshman year. (The best thing about Ragstock, I have found, is that you can buy something for a Halloween costume there, and it will gradually find its way into your regular rotation.) On the inside pocket is a tag with the word 'Rotkopf' on it, which probably translates to 'stupid Americans who shop at secondhand clothing stores and can't read German.'
I have actually seen several people around Madison with similar jackets, identifiable by their olive color and German flag on the arm. If you own one and I see you on the street wearing it, my solemn hope is that we may share a salute as we pass, signifying that we are trusted comrades-in-arms.
Ingenious cold-weather pick-up lines: Here is what you do: Buy one of those old-fashioned bulb thermometers and keep it in your mouth as you walk about town. When you find an appealing potential mate, walk up to him or her and initiate this winning exchange:
You: Hi there. Cold out today, isn't it?
Potential Mate: Yes it is.
You: You know what would take care of that? Something warm for you to cuddle up with. (Here, you take the thermometer out of your mouth and look at it in mock-surprise.) 98.6 degrees? Looks like this is your lucky day!
That person will be yours forever.
These are the tiny bundles of joy that keep me going in this cold, desolate season, and it is my hope that at least one of them will resonate with you as well. If none of these does the trick, just be happy with the knowledge that you will soon have the opportunity to warm yourself in a bonfire fueled by the lecture notes you can burn the instant you've finished your last final.
'Tis the season to e-mail Justin at morrisonbass@yahoo.com.
