Well, the Thanksgiving holiday is upon us. Enjoy it while you can, for the Christmas shopping season will descend upon you the very instant you come down off your turkey high, and the sight of the endless labyrinthine corridors of your local mall will soon rule your days and haunt your sleep!
This is all very horrible to think about, so I would like to momentarily distract you from it by speaking on a topic that is very near and dear to my heart: Aquaman.
Aquaman, DC Comics' amphibious superhero, can breathe underwater and has the ability to communicate with sea life. Some naysayers consider him an inferior superhero and are quick to mock his powers. 'He talks to fish'? they sneer. 'What's he going to do, call a giant sea horse and ride him in to battle'?
To which I respond thusly:
1.) Are you seriously telling me it would not be totally bad-ass to ride a giant sea-horse?
2.) There are lots of dangerous animals in the sea he could communicate with and command to fight evildoers, like sharks and killer whales...and...um...nuclear porpoises. Also, if you were buds with Aquaman and were throwing a fancy party, he'd totally have you covered with the shrimp buffet.
3.) Being able to breathe underwater alone is a lot more than you're able to do, you air-breathing D-bag.
Thus, Aquaman is inarguably a Superman of the Sea, but the character's detractors make a valid point: What use is Aquaman on land? It may surprise you to learn, however, that Aquaman has the potential to save us from the greatest threat of all.
Let me explain: Following what was supposed to be a one-time guest shot on 'Smallville,' Aquaman is getting his own spin-off on The WB. At first, Aquaman and The WB sound like an odd combo, but it makes a certain amount of sense: What could better appeal to the female teen demographic the network caters to better than a hunky blond guy who will no doubt frequently be shown shirtless and wet?
On this new show, Aquaman will be portrayed as a sort of environmental crusader, protecting the oceans from industrial pollution and finding out to his great dismay that Captain Planet beat him to this schtick 15 years ago.
Now, follow my train of thought: The WB likes it when popular bands appear on their shows, right? Phish, the world's foremost contemporary hippie jam band, would certainly fit this bill. And, since the members of Phish are self-styled environmental activists, it stands to reason that they might agree to reform and play on this eco-friendly show.
Still with me? If Phish appears on the Aquaman show, and Aquaman can control fish, it is also therefore conceivable that Aquaman can control Phish, yes? He would therefore be able to command Trey Anastasio and his former comrades to hurl themselves off a cliff and dash their brains out on the rocks below, or at the very least convince them to write proper songs rather than just endlessly noodling about on guitars.
I know, I know, Phish officially 'broke up' last year. But the fact remains that the individual members continue to release solo projects and live albums featuring 10-minute-long rambling and directionless 'improvisational jams' that guys in sandals think it's cool to play at parties to the horror of the other guests. This musical insanity must be stopped.
And Aquaman is the only superhero up for the challenge.
Phish fans: send angry e-mail to morrisonbass@yahoo.com.
