Last Friday and Saturday were big news days. In case you didn't pick up a paper or tabloid, here are the big stories in brief'and forget Wolf Blitzer, because I added some analysis.
Worse than the pillaging Penn State gave our Badgers this weekend was the story out of the Somalian Coast. Pirates armed with hand grenades and assault rifles tried to attack a luxury cruise ship. The ship's captain, seeing trouble and a swarm of pirates coming towards the boat at quite a clip, changed course and sped up.
His actions kept the swashbuckling crew from making it on board, but couldn't prevent them from using their weapons of cruise destruction.
Pirates? Come on'what a horrible way to end your vacation.
'Hey honey want to head to the Lido deck for some fro-yo and chicken wings'?
'Sure, then we can play some shuffleboard and ... Oh my God, are those pirates'?
'Maybe, but a cruise boat can handle a few scabbards and the occasional trained parrot, can't it'?
(Grenade hits state room)
'Grenades! Give me a flippin' break! Where did pirates get grenade launchers'?
I imagine it would make for a horrible vacation, almost as bad as Colonial Williamsburg. It turned out one of the crewmembers took some shrapnel from the attack. That would be a great story to tell'you would always get served first at restaurants.
'Sorry sir, wait your turn.'
'Were you wounded in the great pirate raid of '05'?
'No, sir.'
'Then give me the Grand Slam breakfast on the double.'
Next news in brief comes from a city of cheap booze and even cheaper women'Las Vegas. Mayor and chief nutjob Oscar Goodman has suggested a new punishment for graffiti punks and other resident street rats'slicing off thumbs on television.
'I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb,' Mayor Goodman said on a morning talk show. 'That may be the right thing to do.'
The right thing to do? Oh man. I have never had more of a desire to leave Madison and move to Las Vegas. If they are thinking about chopping appendages off on TV, what's next? Maybe to stop the obesity epidemic, they will make everyone throw up after eating at casino buffets. Then eat it. I would never go back for that second plate, or at least not the third.
And carjackers, beware! Steal a car at gunpoint, eat a fingernail sandwich and wash it down with the hot new cocktail, a bleach sunrise. Vegas will be crime and fat-free in no time. The riffraff and debauchery may travel to the Hoover Dam, but that's for their damn employees to take care of.
It's nice knowing there are still wacky people around to make life entertaining. I wish these things would make it above the fold more often, so I wouldn't have to search them out and take time away from Sudoku puzzles. Reading about the same stuff everyday wears on you. Car bombs in the Middle East? Seen it. Budget cuts and layoffs at schools? Heard it before. Opinion pieces on dragon-slaying robotic ninjas? Yes please.
Throw in some stories about finding severed limbs in fast food and I am one happy camper.
I'm sure we can look to Las Vegas for a few of those.
