The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals recently dismissed a parent's lawsuit claiming they had exclusive rights to inform their child about sex. Imagine your kid is in elementary school in Southern California, and the school decides to survey first, third and fifth graders about sex. Albeit we're talking about So Cal, the test market for the children's books like 'Why Does Mommy Keep Changing Herself'? and 'You're Not Beautiful Until the Swelling Goes Down,' but this is a bit quick on the draw.
I think the parents at least deserve the first attempt at 'the talk' even if it'll most likely be an awkward discussion with limited eye contact and possibly the use of a banana. 'The talk' you give someday will probably be just as unpleasant, except with more glowing neon lights (because it'll be the future).
If the previously stated news is any indication, the age for 'the talk' is quickly falling. So to help make the future better, I thought I'd make a suggestion or two since you might be sitting at the foot of your kid's bed wringing your sweat-soaked hands before you know it.
'The talk' is meant to educate the youngin' about what his/her hormones will soon make the key goal in his/her life. First, you need a name for, you know, 'it.' Luckily, you have roughly 37x109 choices, so the real difficulty is finding the right term for you.
Calling it 'sex' is simple and to -the-point but also run-of-the-mill boring. If you're the pretentious intellectual sort, you might prefer calling it coitus. More scientific types can go with 'proliferation of the species.' You might even make it personal; most occupational fields have a phrase for it. Writers can 'wet their quills,' dentists can 'drill to the root,' mathematicians can 'integrate their natural log on an inner surface' and actors can 'play Paris Hilton.' If you want to be laid-back about it, you can 'get laid.' Or maybe you get off from getting it on. Go ahead, use your imagination.
Once you've labeled sex, it's time to describe it. They're young, so keep it beautiful and pure and leave the whips and latex out. You have to decide how you want to illustrate the act, but keep it simple and honest (e.g. no porn).
There's the straightforward 'this is what you have and this is how it's used' approach. However, I don't advocate this. You should put it in terms they can understand. And what is something all kids understand? Pok??mon!
'See Timmy, you want the best Pok??mon that works for you. Some prefer the Testiclor or Penisaur and for others it's the Labian or Uterion. People might discourage you from being the best and finding them all by saying things like the Clitaurus is just a myth. However, if you never give up, when you do find the elusive Clitaurus, you will become a legend among all.
Once you've found your Pok??mon, you'll probably want to train with it, a lot. With time you'll find that battling with another person is actually more fun and will result in less chafing, too. Thus, when two people love each other very much or are really drunk, they decide to battle. What ensues is hopefully a heated battle in which you achieve your goal while enjoying/using your rival thoroughly, but sometimes it's not. That's when you go practice on your own. Am I getting through to you, son'?
See, this way your kids will be well-adjusted, or at least they'll have something interesting to say when the teacher calls on them.
