Everyone knows college students have long been one of this country's most oppressed demographics. When it comes to taking jive from the man, this group of mostly white, upper-middle class twenty-somethings with little or no financial responsibility (aside from beer money, of course) is right up there with country-club tennis pros and trophy wives.
Luckily, we've got state Rep. 'Snarlin'' Marlin Schnieder on our side.
Like the legendary founding fathers that came before him, the Democrat from Grand Rapids, (which, upon further review is neither 'grand' nor 'rapid,') has made it his personal crusade to get us, the students of the great state of Wisconsin, our very own Bill of Rights.
Schneider has put together a 14-point list of rights, which was printed in Monday's Badger Herald, protecting students from the things they fear most, including heavy textbooks and, most of all, physically going to class.
That's right boys and girls, if Marlin gets his bill passed, article No. 8 will require instructors to provide students with either video or audio recording of every lecture by 2012. Unfortunately, only the most committed?? that is, those of us who are committed to spending another 8 years in college?? will benefit from this act. But just imagine the benefits this will offer for those students who are around in 2012.
Remember the kid on your dorm floor who only stopped playing 'Halo' and put on pants when he had to go to class? Well, now he'll never have to put on pants. He can just sit at home all the time. He can even listen to class and play 'Halo' at the same time!
Then, there's my personal favorite, numero fourteeno. Anyway, No. 14 'directs institutions to adopt maximum weight standards for textbooks used by students.'
This comes as a huge relief for all of us who have to carry all our books around and only get a chance to go to our locker between homeroom and lunch period?? wait a second, I don't have a locker, or a homeroom. Oh, that's right, I'm in college now, not high school.
Forcing college professors to pick their textbooks based on weight is like choosing lingerie models based on their SAT scores. I'm not exactly sure how that metaphor works, but if you'd like to figure it out, mail 32 cereal box tops to my home address and I'll send you a special edition junior sleuth decoder ring to help you solve the mystery.
Marlin's Bill of Rights also protects us from the cruel wrath of university parking enforcement, at least during the first and last weeks of the school year. That's perfect though, because it's the time when I tend to get a little flighty. With the stress of finals and moving, it'll be nice to know I can park my car in a dorm fire lane or in Chancellor Wiley's spot at Bascom and not have to worry about it being ticketed or towed.
And really, that's all this Bill of Rights does. It takes the burden off students. I mean, it really takes a load off. For that, we salute you, Marlin D. Schneider.
