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Ah, sweet, sweet Halloween. A time when make-up is across-the-board acceptable for everyone and the homeless get into frat parties due to their 'awesome costume, brah.'
But from whence did Halloween come? I'm not one to blindly celebrate for no apparent reason. Drink for no apparent reason, yes. Celebrate, no.
For the record, Halloween is derived from the pagan celebration for the night when spirits could once again roam the living world and go door to door for candy, which fuels their undead powers. It also commemorates when women who wouldn't sleep with the fat, undesirable town magistrate were teased about being witches and received 'slap on the wrist' punishments such as being drowned or burnt at the stake. 'Twas a more innocent time.
These days, I think it's fair to say the focus is on the costumes. Some might argue that it's the ability to get tear gassed at bar time. Others might use it as a reason for that sparkly sequin dress with matching pumps in the back of their closet. They'd both be wrong, as the word Halloween comes from the Latin halo weynia, which directly translates to 'shut up, you're drunk, it's about the damn costumes, please stop vomiting on my dog.' Feel free to reference me for any thesis on the subject.
Sadly, as All Hallows' Eve comes closer, I'm left with the annoying realization that I don't have time to prep my perfect costume idea and everything else I think about is stupid. But with four years under my belt, I have formulated a plan of action.
I like to think of a costume like a girl I just met, except that I actually have a chance. Typically, for a single night, I'm going to spend about $30 to $50 on it. It'll be very close to me all night and, if it's a successful evening, I'll wake up with it. Though by then it'll be less desirable, worn out, stained and smelling like beer.
This loose strategy is necessary because most of us are without something predestined. Certain people are just born with the perfect Halloween costume, and that's not fair. Take, for instance, the hideously ugly. For 364 days they're just social outcasts, but come Halloween they can throw on a burlap sack and reign supreme.
And then, there are twins. Let's say two guys, Ben and Bill, are twins?? and apparently, their parents are uncreative and were stuck on the letter B. It doesn't matter, because they are set for Halloween. They can just go as?? each other! There is no better mind game than the two people you can't tell apart making things intentionally worse.
Even better is the conversation between them the day after.
'Hey Bill, nice costume.'
'Thanks, Ben, yours is cool too. How was your night'?
'Man, I have such a hangover, I got wasted at a party and passed out in the doorway of Taco Bell.'
'Ha ha, oh man, nice. You know what I did last night'?
'No. What'?
'Your girlfriend. GREAT COSTUME IDEA!'
Lastly, on a side note to my roommates: one, I swear to God, it's for Halloween; two, why were you going through my closet? and three, you know I look good in a A-line with matching heels.
