Sing it with me:
When it's late at night / and you're all alone / Who ya gonna call?
SAFEwalkers!
You're at Helen C. studying chemistry / Who ya gonna call?
SAFEwalkers!
(Side note: I couldn't convince my editor to include an accompanying audio package in all of today's papers, so you'll just have to hum the \Ghostbusters"" theme, but you get the idea.)
The purpose of this foray into lyrical prose is to bring attention to a serious campus issue, the impending death of the SAFEwalk system. In an action that no doubt left hundreds of students worrying they would be stranded at campus libraries with nobody to walk them home, Associated Students of Madison cut approximately $35,000 out of the SAFEwalk budget. (Well, maybe there weren't hundreds, but there were probably four or five students who were really devastated by the news.)
This action probably has you asking yourself a few questions. These might include, but are not limited to:
1) Why would I ever want to walk home with those nerds?
2) Is it late enough for me to get a free SAFEride taxi?
And most importantly:
3) What in God's name is SAFEwalk doing with that much money in the first place?
While I can't answer the first two (I advise you ask your mother, she knows everything), I can tell you why SAFEwalk needs so much money. I recently read that each time a student uses SAFEwalk, it costs the program $53. Having never used the service, at first I thought maybe this sum paid for some in-walk amenities, possibly a feature film or a fish dinner. But apparently, SAFEwalk offers no amenities, so my only guess is that the $53 goes to pay for those snazzy red jackets the SAFEwalkers wear.
But with SAFEwalk on the ropes, I've developed some alternatives to save the faltering program. By adopting these cost-saving measures, maybe SAFEwalk can live to see another day.
SAFErun: In the spirit of SAFEwalk and SAFEride, this program offers safe passage on campus, but with a twist. Instead of walking, everyone runs. Just think of the benefits. By running instead of walking, the SAFE gang can get people home quicker and serve a greater number of students.
Adidas might even sign on as co-sponsors and we could get some free sneakers out of the deal. Plus, this program would improve the overall fitness level of our student body. Or should I say, our student bodies? Who can argue with that?
SAFEdance: It seems whenever I start to bust a move, everyone around me scatters. For a nominal fee, I could teach UW-Madison students these moves. Then, if they are ever attacked on the walk home, they could just start dancing. Trust me, anyone-even the most committed of assailants-would flee upon viewing this frightening combination of pelvic thrusts and shoulder shakes.
Both plans are still in their infant stages and have some kinks to work out, but I feel they're both promising. Then again, there's always TASER, Mace, pepper spray, SAFEride taxis and buses, well-lit routes home and walking with friends. But God help us if they take SAFEwalk away.
Joe Hasler will be studying late tonight. If you'd like to walk home with him, e-mail him at jphasler@wisc.edu.
