As a UW-Madison senior and man-about-town millionaire playboy, I sometimes have new students ask me where the best places to meet someone of the opposite sex on campus are.
I tell them that if I had a ready response to that, I wouldn't have spent every Saturday night of the first two years of my college career watching \Trading Spaces"" and eating butterscotch pudding alone in the dorms. But then the bitterness passes and I pass along nuggets of wisdom that I have heard from other people.
Your first instinct may be to go to a bar or house party, but whether or not this is a good idea depends very much on the sort of relationship you are hoping to develop. These are the ideal places for you if you're looking for a casual hook-up or brief fling; you will need a) loud music so you can't have a conversation to find out what kind of ghastly personality the other person has and b) lots of alcohol so you won't particularly care what they look like, either.
On the other hand, if you're in the market for something deeper and more meaningful, do me a favor and count the number of people you know who have found their true love and soulmate at a bar or house party. Got it? Okay, now count the number of people you know who have been impaled on the horn of a magical talking unicorn named Frances. It's the same number, isn't it?
This leaves College Library, alias Helen C. White. I really only ever go there when I have a class on one of the upper floors, but I am given to understand that the library itself is essentially a student dating service, but with a couple shelves of books and a copy machine thrown in to keep up appearances.
I suppose this makes a certain amount of sense. By trawling for a date at College Library, you can be reasonably sure that everyone there is about your same age, enrolled at your school and semi- to fully literate. You may also be fortunate enough to find someone there studying something you can talk about; spot a person reading a book on John Calvin and you can strike up a conversation about other 16th century theologians (unless, of course, you don't know anything about 16th century theology, in which case you should read up on it. Actually, this is probably why that other person was reading the book on Calvin in the first place). This eliminates the need for pick-up lines, though you shouldn't necessarily discount the effectiveness of asking ""What winks and makes love like a tiger?"" followed by a furious bout of suggestive winking.
If you're a bit shy and would like someone to pursue you instead, simply sit down in the open study area with a textbook carefully selected to arouse the interest of the opposite sex. To attract a woman, you should perhaps read a book on romantic poetry or impressionist painting. To attract a man... I don't know; do they make a textbook about two girls making out with each other?
I think you're ready to find the love of your collegiate life at the library now. And don't be discouraged if it doesn't go well: There's always butterscotch pudding to fall back on.
Justin Zyduck is known, in some circles, as ""Dr. Love."" E-mail him with a malpractice suit at morrisonbass@yahoo.com.
