Face it: horror movies instill very little 'horror' in their viewers. Constructed realities cannot instill the viewer with the same sense of terror the characters feel.
However, Hollywood can bring about a good fright every once in a while'although when it does, it is rarely intended. Instead, some of the most terrifying movies to come from the Hollywood machine inspire terror not because of their plots, but because of their mere existence.
To get into the Halloween spirit, The Daily Cardinal looks at a handful of movies guranteed to scare.
'You Got Served'
Before January 2004, the threat of getting 'served' remained an idle fear in the back of many people's minds. Sure, they knew a 'Breakin'' inspired dance-off could occur, but its likelihood remained low. Then something happened'they got served!
Now that 'You Got Served' hit, civilians are no longer safe to walk the streets. At any moment, at any time, a gang of street thugs could walk up and serve them.
However, fear not, because as Steve Harvey said in the film, these skirmishes can be 'settled like men on the floor' and dance right back at the assailants.
'Warriors of Virtue'
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles taught everyone that humanoid animals are cool. The 1997 fantasy 'Warriors of Virtue' taught everyone that humanoid turtles are the only humanoid animals that kick butt.
'Warriors of Virtue' is the story of a young boy not fit to make the football team. To teach this young lad that he really is a stand-up kid, he is transported to an alternative world inhabited by kangaroo people who each possess a 'virtue.'
'Warriors' comes filled with memorable lines like, 'Let's make like Tom and cruise.' The only thing scarier than the kangaroo people doing martial arts is that 'Warriors of Virtue' grossed $33 million at the box office and a sequel came afterward. Shocking as it may seem, 'Warriors of Virtue' actually bests 'Kangaroo Jack' to claim the title of scariest kangaroo-themed movie ever.
Shaquille O'Neal films
Basketball players play basketball. Actors act. There is no crossover.
Because of these rules, Verne 'Mini Me' Troyer is never seen playing in the NBA, and similarly, basketball stars such as Shaquille O'Neal should never take to the silver screen. Someone messed up on the latter part.
In the mid-'90s, some producer decided it was a good idea to take Shaq and place him in a series of B-level movies, hoping his dominance would carry over. It did not.
Granted, Shaq's roles in 'Blue Chips,' 'Kazaam' and 'Steel' may not be the most plum parts, but the fact they exist is frightening enough.
The only good that could possibly come out of the ordeal is if Shaq used his magical genie 'Kazaam' powers to fulfill Troyer's NBA dreams, because imagining him slam dunking is just an awesome mental picture.
'Gigli'
Far too easy.
'Spice World'
Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh and Sporty are their names, and they are out to 'Spice Up Your Life'. This alone should indicate horror in the 1997 film 'Spice World,' featuring the once popular Spice Girls.
The movie follows the lives of the five pop stars as they endure the struggles of fame and fortune. 'Spice World' delivers a sense of suspense and action-adventure as the Spice Girls fight off the most ghastly villain of all, the paparazzi.
As the girls do battle in stilettos, platforms and mini-skirts, they find themselves in terrifying situations involving aliens, boot camp and delivering babies. The movie culminates as the Spice Girls frantically try to hurry to their big concert. Talk about an emotionally riveting plot.
No matter what aspect of the movie seemed most frightening, whether it is the songs, the storyline or even the double-decker bus, 'Spice World' is a definite thriller.
'The Postman'
Kevin Costner went through a brief post-apocalyptic Earth stage about ten years ago which prompted critics and audiences everywhere to believe that perhaps this particular stage had been coinciding with some post-modern stage: the making of movies just as bad, if not worse than the state of Earth itself after a hard fall from civilization.
It's a self-reflexive thing. Like when The O.C. blatantly refers to itself as a witty teen soap in its own script, or when an artist deliberately leaves some of the canvas showing in their latest piece. 'The Postman' is and will always be a work of cinematic genius.
I don't think there's any movie-lover on this planet that can legitimately say they've had enough of Kevin Costner directing and starring in his own movies about an underdog hero on post-apocalyptic Earth.
'Over the Top'
'My whole body is an engine. (My fist) is a fireplug and I'm gonna light him up.' That is just a sample of the sheer badness in store for anyone who watches 'Over the Top,' the 1987 film that set a new standard for terrible.
The movie features Sylvester Stallone as a trucker who becomes a professional arm-wrestler to win the approval of his estranged son.
That premise alone is a recipe for disaster. But what's worse is that none of the actors involved can seem to remember the name of Sly's character: the movie says his name is 'Lincoln Hawk' but many of the characters call him 'Lincoln Hawkes' through much of the film.
The film took home two Razzies for Worst New Actor and Worst Supporting Actor, and Stallone was also nominated for Worst Actor.
'Glitter'
Forget slasher flicks. Abandon those psychological thrillers. If anyone is looking to get frightened, just pop in 'Glitter', recording artist Mariah Carey's 2001 movie debut.
The fact that 'Glitter' is another case of 'music star trying to ride on their success by making a movie' is enough to scare even the bravest of souls. The atrocious use of scantily clad '80's fashion, mixed with awful lines and horrendous acting is proof that 'all that glitters is not gold'.
Watching 'Glitter' is a perilous move. Some viewers are left bawling, others are left shaking in fear for humanity. The least fortunate wind up dead from the shame of actually sitting through the entire movie. Audiences beware: viewing 'Glitter' can be fatal.
'Eunice Abraham, Brad Boron, Laura Kalinowski, Tarah Scalzo and Kevin Nelson
