I look in the mirror and see my face, covered in a mossy five-day growth of facial hair. At first this is very comforting. The appearance of a reflection means I'm not a vampire, and I can therefore be reasonably sure that neither Hugh Jackman nor Wesley Snipes are coming to kill me. But then the tranquility passes and I remember the matter at hand: What am I going to do about this damn beard?
The ladies in the audience are sure to respond, \Shave it off!"" Yet, I cannot bring myself to do it, despite the fact that people have begun giving me spare change unasked on State Street. This is perplexing to women, who claim beards are unattractive, itchy and uncomfortable for both parties and generally unclean. What, then, they ask, is the function of this appalling facial growth?
I'm here to provide them with the answer: Guys like to grow beards.
But why? Beards are not actually flattering on most men. Sure, a beard looks magnificent on Sean Connery, but only because he is some sort of fabulous demigod for whom our earthly conventions do not apply. Jesus can pull it off as well, although the church has long suppressed the Biblical verse in which John the Baptist suggests He try the ""smooth to the groove"" look.
Laziness is a common factor, certainly. It is exceedingly easy for the young college male, caught up in his studies and ""Iron Chef"" marathons, to neglect his daily shaving. Sooner than you can say ""Grizzly Adams,"" his face blossoms into a Cthulhu-like nightmare of facial shrubbery.
We must not overlook the perceived status symbol of the beard, either. I, personally, refuse to donate money to any representative of a left-wing organization unless they approach me with a full beard and a mad glint in their eye. And for the indie-rocker, nothing says ""I don't care about my appearance"" more than a twenty-four hour five-o'clock shadow meticulously maintained by a $45 electric trimmer.
However, there is a deeper, more meaningful reason for the drive in men to go lumberjack: A man's ability to grow a beard is his super power. Do you realize how truly amazing this gift is? Imagine if you heard it described in a spy film: ""This is Secret Agent XP5. He has the uncanny ability to grow hair right out of his face. In several days, he grows a disguise rendering him totally unrecognizable using no outside materials whatsoever!""
Thus, asking a man to shave regularly is like asking The Flash not to run fast, Spider-Man not to climb walls and Ben Affleck's Daredevil not to dress up in red S&M bondage gear. It is like asking Superman not to fly. In fact, former Superman Dean Cain has grown a sporting devil-may-care beard as well. Sure, ""Lois & Clark"" may have been cancelled, but there's one super power he'll never have to give up.
Put simply, ladies, to deny a man his beard is to deny a man his essential nature. This would be no different than, for instance, denying Blade or Van Helsing the right to pursue their endless crusades against the fiendish vampire undead.
Speaking of which, if either of them comes round your place asking after me, tell them you haven't heard from me and don't know where I am. And so shall I live to see another day.
Perhaps I'll even have a shave.
Justin Zyduck's column runs every Tuesday and his electric razor runs every other week. E-mail him at morrisonbass@yahoo.com.
