If you're expecting an April Fool's column proclaiming a conversion to inspired love for President Bush, children, Ugg boots, creationists or sunbathing, sorry to disappoint, but that would be utterly, shamefully ordinary.
Plus, I've been occupied with watching public opinion turn decidedly against our fearless leader and his cohorts. According to Gallup, Bush's approval rating is currently at its lowest point ever, 45 percent.
Recall, the first time things hit an all-time low in that department-51 percent approval back in 2001-Sept. 11 happened the very next week, shooting it up to 86, then 90 percent.
Bush and the Republicans need another spectacle to recover sufficient popular support to maintain the appearance of domestic representative democracy whilst spreading it abroad, and reassert dominion over that frisky judicial branch lobbing checks and balances at the unaccountable government they're working so hard to enshrine.
At first, I thought they would exploit the coincidence of the Terri Schiavo case with the Easter holiday and have Dubya do a deus ex machina and fly in from Crawford to personally stage a figurative feeding-tube resurrection on Easter Sunday.
But there wasn't so much as an Easter basket left \anonymously"" at Schiavo's bedside containing Jesus' image in a jelly bean, or Mary's in a marshmallow Peep-not even a decorated egg found upon inspection to bear not random designs, but ""I want to live!"" scrawled plaintively in Aramaic.
My next theory was that a sweeping April Fool was afoot. Perhaps the White House will today reveal the gas price increase many take as an omen of economic woe is just one big gag on Bush's petroleum-sucking base.
But I think the answer lies not with Easter or April Fool's Day, but with the beginning of daylight saving time on Sunday, when the clocks ""spring forward"" to snatch a precious hour of sleep.
Supposedly the justification is practical and altruistic, as the supplemental evening sun saves energy and even reduces accidents and crime. (Though doesn't it also increase UV exposure? Spring into cancer!)
But historically, in times of war and pricey petroleum, daylight saving time has been used politically.
During World War II, Roosevelt made it permanent from February 1942 to September 1945 to save fuel for the war effort. Following the crude oil price hikes caused by the Arab Oil Embargo in 1973, Nixon did likewise for most of the country for two years.
Such a showing of benevolence and preeminence over time itself from Bush would surely invoke a similar spirit of national consonance and camaraderie to bolster his efforts.
When Roosevelt did it, he called it what it was: ""War Time."" Bush's version would have to be ""Freedom Time"" or ""Support the Troops Time"" or ""Puppies and Kittens Frolicking in the Morning Dew Beneath a Gallantly Waving American Flag Time."" Still, it would serve its purpose.
But then again, maybe Brother Jeb will surprise us all with a new distraction by declaring he's not running for president in '08, but rather devoting his life to running Jeb's Compassionate Conservative Vegetable Patch to care for voiceless Americans in ""states of minimal consciousness""-and perhaps cultivate a few Republican votes while he's at it.
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. Experience her ""Every Day is the Same But for the Shoes Time"" at flamingpurvis@yahoo.com.
