Do you realize that the best Indiana Jones surrogate seen in recent years is Brendan Fraser? Let's just ponder the ramifications of that for a moment.
In the '80s, Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford were responsible for three of the most satisfying action films ever made, but since 1989, Hollywood's only halfway decent response was the eminently forgettable \The Mummy,"" a CGI-laden piece of cheese boasting the ""Encino Man"" on its marquee. The latest low-rent Indy knockoff to grace screens, Breck Eisner's ho-hum ""Sahara,"" is another overblown, overproduced spectacle straight from the conveyor belt.
Adapted from a Clive Cussler novel, ""Sahara"" stars Matthew McConaughey as all-American adventurer Dirk Pitt-who could accurately be described as the offspring of Jones and James Bond-and Steve Zahn as his quip-dispensing sidekick Al. These guys work for a marine agency leader (William H. Macy, who must have been low on cash) off the coast of Africa in between engaging in feats of derring-do to save the world.
The ""plot"" has something to do with an African warlord (Lennie James) and a silkily evil French industrialist (Lambert Wilson, or ""that Merovingian guy"" in last year's ""Matrix"" sequels) unleashing a sinister money-making plan involving a widespread disease in the Nile. Throw in Penelope Cruz as a sultry World Health Organization doc, Delroy Lindo as an uneasy ally of Macy's agency and a dual treasure-hunting plot involving Jefferson Davis' unknown gold coin collection and a Confederate ironclad ship supposedly buried in the desert, and you've got a movie.
""Sahara"" actually starts out agreeably enough, shaping up to be a thoroughly unpretentious, preposterous thrill ride-but eventually it just gets old. The film is a bloated lark with absolutely no sense of tension whatsoever (even last year's less-than-impressive ""National Treasure"" had some urgency). Most of the underwhelming action sequences connect the dots, but feel more like gags than life-threatening events. There's literally nothing here we haven't seen done better before; this mild yarn feels like the cookie-cutter product expected from the son of an ex-CEO (Eisner is indeed the fruit of ex-Disney head honcho Michael Eisner's loins).
Eisner's direction is capable but indistinguishable and incredibly similar to the commercially viable work of Brett Ratner (""Rush Hour""). In fact, ""Sahara"" could best be compared to Ratner's recent ""After the Sunset""-both are sun-baked trifles with scattered laughs, improbable hijinx, goofy sidekicks and a smokin' hot Latina love interest. Both films also had a grizzled hero who shared more chemistry with his silly buddy than his gorgeous woman; the Cruz romance registers as nothing more than a bafflingly unnecessary afterthought.
In fact, Cruz's character proves to be a substantial buzzkill. While McConaughey amiably acquits himself and Zahn milks every last bit of quality from his labored wisecracks, Cruz is simply dead on arrival. She may be the most fragile heroine in recent memory (McConaughey and Zahn repeatedly ask her if she's alright after just about every narrow escape).
A heroine in this kind of slam-bang actioner needs to be robust and resilient like Karen Black's Miriam from ""Raiders of the Lost Ark"" (introduced beating some guy's ass in a drinking contest). It's hard to imagine any women in the audience high-fiving each other after Cruz feebly pumps some sinister African full of bullets.
Eisner further showcases his unoriginality by trotting out a generic soundtrack of solid-gold oldies, two of which already appeared on the wonderful soundtrack to McConaughey's own ""Dazed and Confused."" Unlike Richard Linklater's ingenious, well-chosen use of these fantastic songs to evoke a distinct setting, Eisner shoehorns overused classic rock in the most banal and sometimes bafflingly inappropriate places.
Playing Grand Funk Railroad's ""We're An American Band"" on the radio during an expository scene of sweaty repairs is acceptable, but blaring ""Sweet Home Alabama"" during a cruise down the Niger River is derivative, not to mention nonsensical.
The makers of ""Sahara"" clearly aspire to launch a Dirk Pitt franchise, but disappointing grosses and word-of-mouth should effectively halt that pipe dream. It could be done, even with McConaughey and Zahn reprising their roles, if a dynamic director and lively writing team were brought in to shake things up. Until then, all we have is hope for Harrison Ford to don the hat and crack the whip once again.
