It can be pretty disheartening to be a college senior sometimes, when you look around the room and see how prepared for the real world everyone else seems to be. Some have great tact at developing relationships; some have finely tuned foreign language skills; others have invaluable work experience.
But then there are people like me. The closest things I've got to marketable job qualifications are a word processor and a mild drinking problem. But just when I started to think that living a loud but stalled and ineffectual college life would never get me anywhere in the job market, I found a stable, paying place of employment that's perfectly suited to my particular brand of uselessness.
That's right: I'm running as a write-in candidate for ASM.
Now, some might say that it would be inappropriate to elect someone to the student council when he is about to no longer be a student. But I think I'm better equipped to reflect student needs than any regular ASM member. In my time at UW, I've been living a real college life, not sitting in budget meetings or sucking up to the Greek system for votes.
Are you a freshman not getting any action? Has your roommate not left your living room in 12 weeks? Is a Wando's bouncer ordering you to clean up your friend's vomit? Friends, I've been there. A vote for me is like a vote for yourself, regardless of whether or not I'll still be a student.
And for all my seeming anti-ASM sentiment, in reality ASM and I have tons in common. They like to latch onto things and take credit for them, like when they manhandle the tuition hike protests that began before ASM was involved. I, too, like to take credit for things I didn't start, like that time I tried to convince a drunken sophomore I invented complex carbohydrates.
But clearly the best part of ASM is their vivid imagination when it comes to themselves. When it takes stances on issues far beyond its control, like passing a cleaner air resolution, ASM demonstrates a Peter Pan-like ability to convince itself of unrealistic powers. I've often demonstrated the same problem, whether it was trying out for the football team or attempting to graduate in four years.
How can an organization get as discombobulated as ASM? Clearly, the answer is too many members. So when it comes time to vote, for which ASM position should you write in \Amos Posner""? All of them. If the whole council were reduced to me, then it would be streamlined enough to take action, while yielding a nifty salary for yours truly. And here's where the fun starts.
The highest paid and most visible ASM position is the chair, who moderates proceedings. And for that role, she is paid nearly $5,000 annually. Committee chairs get paid $3,500 to suggest issues to argue about. So if appointed to every ASM position, I would be paid over $35,000 to moderate an argument with myself. It's a perfect fit.
ASM is a pointless, meandering, spoiled and impotent body. And so am I... aside from that last part. I can be your unified Associated Student of Madison.
So when those polls open April 5, vote boldly, vote quickly, vote with friends. And vote Amos Posner for every ASM position.
It's the job I'm best qualified to do.
Amos can be reached at AmosAP@gmail.com.
