During the Wake Forest-North Carolina State game March 7, there was a skirmish--one that left every guy who witnessed it cringing.
Wake Forest point guard Chris Paul got tangled up with North Carolina State's Julius Hodge while going for a rebound. When Paul turned to run up court, he delivered a cheap shot, reaching around Hodge to punch him in the groin. Hodge crumpled immediately and all of the guys in the stadium instantly felt as much vicarious pain as they did watching the infamous zipper scene from \There's Something About Mary.""
Ladies, the rest of this column probably won't appeal to you, so feel free to skip ahead to ""Flawless Reflections"" and see if Evelyn is still trying to frame Chalice or if Austin has seen through her charade.
(Yes, I'm secure enough in my masculinity to admit I read ""Flawless Reflections,"" OK?)
So where was I? Oh, yeah. Guys, it's just us now so we can talk about something to which every man can relate, unfortunately-taking a shot below the belt. We've all been there and we all know how debilitating it is, but few know why.
The simple answer is, it's evolution's way of making sure we protect the jewels so we can pass on our genes. But why is the pain so different from any other pain, and why is it you can't do anything for the pain except just wait for it to go away?
The answer lies in the physiological structure of the testes. Each testicle contains the sperm-producing machinery, the seminiferous tubules, encased in a hard protective shell called the tunica albuginea.
Before we go on, let's take a step back and consider the typical pain with which we're more familiar. Think about when you bump your elbow-instantly your first reaction is to grab it. That's because the pain sensors in your elbow have been stimulated, and they're flooding the brain with a continual message: pain... pain... pain.
When you grab your elbow, you're also stimulating the tactile, or touch, nerves, which then send the brain their own message: touch... touch... touch. The touch sensations dilute the pain messages in the brain, so you perceive the injury as hurting less.
You might notice your elbow become red or swollen as blood rushes to the area, bringing nutrients to repair injured cells. Because the blood vessels, surrounding tissues and skin are all pliable, they expand to accommodate the swelling, so it's no big deal.
When a guy gets hit ""below the belt,"" the same physiological response occurs: Blood and nutrients rush to the area. The problem is, the hard shell of the testes can't expand, so as the shell fills up, the pressure builds, and that pressure is the pain you feel.
It's sort of like being on a crowded elevator when William ""the Fridge"" Perry and Shaq decide to squeeze in too. The elevator walls don't expand, so everyone inside is under increased pressure until people trickle out of the elevator.
You might have noticed it doesn't even take a hard shot down there to cause pain, but that's because it's not the strike that causes pain, but the secondary swelling inside the shell.
That's also why grabbing the testes doesn't alleviate the pain like grabbing your elbow does: You're stimulating the touch receptors on the outside of the scrotum, but the pain is coming from inside the testicle, so the brain is getting two separate messages. It would be like grabbing your toe when you bang your elbow--it wouldn't make a difference. There's nothing you can do to make the pain downstairs subside, except wait it out and let blood flow return to normal on its own.
This whole account also explains another interesting phenomenon. You might have noticed that sometimes when you get hit down there, you actually have a moment or two of lucidity where you think, ""Aw, man, I hope that's not going to hurt,"" and then, after the delayed reaction, the pain does strike. Why the delay?
As the blood fills the intercellular spaces in the testis, you won't feel pain right away--it'll only arise once there's no more room for more blood. The second or two that this process takes is the interval you have to hope you got lucky.
Well, on that pleasant note, have an enjoyable and relaxing spring break. I know, this column was probably painful to read, and the ladies got a free pass, so maybe I'll do my next column on childbirth.
Dinesh Ramde, a graduate student in journalism, still doesn't understand how guys thought that one ""Something About Mary"" scene was funny. Anyway, you can reach him at dramde@wisc.edu.
