Over a few adult beverages one night during winter break, Jon, two parts good friend, one part avid supporter of \The Long and Short of It,"" revealed to me that he'd love to see an ""advice column edition"" of my weekly feature.
As the words ""advice"" and ""column"" successively dribbled out of his mouth, I could feel newly-boiled blood welling up in my brain.
""Jon,"" I uttered, the sound carried by the sour fumes of whisky and annoyance, ""there is no way that anything even remotely resembling an 'advice column' will appear in ""The Long and Short of It"" with my name on it. Ever. No way.""
After mentally cursing Abigail Van Buren and Ann Landers for being more famous than I could ever hope to be, I resumed enjoying my drink responsibly, allowing only the slightest tinge of disdain to taint my mood.
Me? Write an advice column? Not only was Jon's idea preposterous, it was completely out of the question. It has always been my personal conviction that the advice columnist is wholly analogous to the Three Card Monty dealer-that is to say advice columnists, in my very humble opinion, are hacks.
Unless there is a Ph.D. in psychology, psychiatry or medicine (or some equivalent certification) to back them up, simply writing an advice column does not qualify one to instruct the personal affairs of the dim-witted.
Like most reasonable people, I read advice columns for a hearty chuckle between the ""Jumble"" and the movie listings on the page adjacent to the funnies. I do my best to sympathize with some of the problems people feel the urge to share with thousands of strangers-""I'm addicted to Cheetos and my husband is cheating on me,"" ""my girlfriend of three years keeps referring to a 'soon to be ex-husband,'"" etc.-but I can't help but think that ""Confused in Connecticut"" and ""Itchin' in Idaho"" are almost asking for the very problems they seek deliverance from.
The best part of this whole advice-column scam job is that there are really only four different answers advice columnists have ever given their readers: dump him, divorce her, seek professional attention and follow your heart. Some answers may be worded differently, but in the end they are all just variations of the originals.
After contemplating his ill-received suggestion for a bit, perhaps following another round or two on his generosity, I told Jon that, however discordant to my better sensibilities, I would give his advice column idea a shot.
Perhaps I am mistaken, but I don't think writing in the advice column format for a week is going to make or break my run. And who knows? Maybe I can help change someone's life for the better... or at the very least, attract some newspaper conglomerates bent on syndicating ""the next big thing"" in advice columns.
So here's the deal-e-mail me at writePNL@yahoo.com, and ask a question you'd like to see answered in ""The Long and Short of It."" Ask anything you want, from the serious (my girlfriend developed weird bumps below the equator-what should I do?) to the irreverent (my armpits won't stop sweating-what color goes well with underarm stain?). After I've received a decent number of responses, I'll pick the ones I can have the most fun with and print the results in next week's column.
Of course, Jon gets to ask first.
Got problems? For one week, Pete has answers. E-mail him at writePNL@yahoo.com
