I was initially perturbed when I found \24"" pre-empted by President Bush's news conference Tuesday, but the moment he used the phrase ""hidden like 50 tons of mustard gas on a turkey farm"" to describe the possible state of WMD in Iraq, I knew it had been worth it.
Seeing as how Bush can so very deftly answer questions with nary a non sequitur or evasion, I've come up with the perfect job for him should good sense prevail and he finds himself in need come November-George Dubya Bush, advice columnist!
It would be a perfect fit-answers can be just as riddled with rhetoric, but they don't have to be pronounced, they can be spell and grammar-checked and Dick Cheney can more seamlessly script them, without ever having to disclose his location...
My best friend recently asked me to loan her a large sum of money. I would help, but I really can't afford it-what should I do?
You have a duty bestowed by the Creator to aid those in need, as my administration did when it fed some of the starving, ended genocides in oil-rich lands and battled AIDS by promoting abstinence. If charity is not an option, encourage your friend to get married, have children and find a high-salaried job so she can reap the tax cuts I enacted to help ordinary Americans.
My mother-in-law moved in with us two years ago, and I've had all I can take. How can I tell her it's time to move on without upsetting my wife?
Don't fear conflict-restoring the will of the people to a household long choked by tyranny is tough. Maintain resolve and tell this enemy of freedom you are against her indefinite occupation. Then set a deadline to reassume sovereignty, and stick to it-when liberated, your wife will thank you.
On a recent trip to the library, my niece insisted on checking out a Harry Potter book she's already read three times. How can I encourage her to try new things without turning her off to reading?
You are right to be concerned, for with suspicious reading habits like that, your niece is on the path to becoming a terrorist or terrorist collaborator. You must act resolutely, using decisive force if necessary, to protect this precious youngster. Urge your representative to support the Patriot Act.
While backing out of the driveway, I accidentally ran over my girlfriend's cat. Now she's calling me a murderer and threatening to dump me, even though I keep apologizing. I really care about her-help!
You are at a critical moment in your relationship. Deep down, your girlfriend knows if you had the actionable intelligence, you would have averted this tragedy. Instead of blaming yourself, respond with aloof yet empathic remorse for your collective loss, and concentrate on the future. Who could replace someone so hopeful and determined?
An acquaintance at work is insisting we bring only low-carb treats to share-I think she's out of line in imposing her diet on everyone. Who's right?
Your co-worker is as out of step with the rest of us when it comes to proper etiquette as John Kerry is when it comes to, well, everything! Resist her fanatical ideology and bring what you like-one pretzel won't kill her.
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. Don't post comments like a cowardly thug, go on the offense-write her at flamingpurvis@yahoo.com.
