I'm not a fan of Madison Halloweens. I live a fun and happy life, so I don't like it when Madison turns into a 65,000-person pissing contest in which everyone tries to prove once and for all they are the most fun people in the Midwestern United States.
But Halloween always seems to polarize Madison's very best and very worst, so I wanted to commemorate the past weekend's highs and lows. The only problem was that I didn't know how to do it. Then, I thought to myself, \What would the FOX network do?"" And then it came to me: I'll invent an awards ceremony.
Naturally, there will be two different sets of awards. Since the best thing I saw this weekend was someone dressed as Meg from ""Family Guy"" with a plush Stewie doll attached, my awards for the weekend's positive accomplishments will be called the Stewie awards. Since the worst thing I saw was that someone actually stole the light bulbs out of my building's elevator, the awards for negative accomplishments will be called the Light Bulb awards. So without further adieu, allow me to present the First Annual Stewies and Light Bulbs:
For best furry costume, the Stewie goes to the guy who dressed as Oscar the Grouch at the Plaza Saturday night. This creative man managed to attach a garbage can and garbage man to the costume. Honorable mention goes to the surprisingly cute and un-sleazy beaver costume I saw Friday night.
For worst overused costume, the Light Bulb goes to all the store-bought SpongeBob SquarePants costumes. Honorable mention goes to the bizarrely abundant Super Mario Brothers and to the Richie Tenenbaum costume, which was already played out last year.
For friendliest bar staff, the Stewie goes to the Kimia Lounge. Aside from having a good DJ working Friday night, the owner was buoyant and the very beautiful bartender roller-skated over to give me candy.
For worst bar line, the Light Bulb goes to the Angelic's line on Thursday night. The problem was that there were two lines-a normal one for people to get in and a separate line for people trying to convince the bouncer that they were ""on the list."" I enjoy the Angelic's weekend scene, but it never fails to amaze me how every guy in this town with dark hair and a J. Crew catalog thinks he's a VIP.
For best contributors to the weekend's atmosphere, the Stewie goes to the two guys who got in a real fight on Friday night while dressed as a pimp and a cow. The image of a guy in a cow costume taking his own anger that seriously is something I'll never forget.
For worst contributors to the weekend's atmosphere, the Light Bulb goes to all the people who decided to invite their 25 dumbest friends up for the weekend. Madison has plenty of people to deal with on busy nights already. We don't need to bus in extra drunks to make sure things are nuts. This note does not include my neighbor's visiting girlfriend, who said I really looked like Superman in my costume. She can visit any time.
For now, I hope you enjoyed the first annual Stewie and Light Bulb awards. Be sure to check them out next year when they're co-hosted by Steve Martin and Whoopi Goldberg.
Amos apologizes to his parents, to whom he promised he would not write any more columns about partying. He can be reached at amosap@hotmail.com. His column runs every Wednesday.
