I don't have football tickets, so I watched Saturday's game on TV. And during the broadcast, the following occurred:
It was the third quarter, or the fourth perhaps. I can't be sure, because we'd had seven batches of fried chicken by that point, the grease tranquilizing us. The Badgers got a penalty. The camera shifted to Head Coach Barry Alvarez for his reaction. He stood up from his coaching crouch, disgusted.
\Bullshit!"" he yelled.
It was a moment of heated emotion on the part of a dedicated and committed coach.
I'm calling you out, Coach Alvarez.
Calling you out to join my campaign for better toilet paper in campus bathrooms. Like me, you're not afraid to point out some ""bullshit"" when you see it. And the quality of the toilet paper in UW's stalls is nothing if not bullshit. As football coach and incoming athletic director, you've got clout in the university community. I think we can ride that clout, Coach Alvarez, ride it all the way to the Promised Land.
The state of toilet paper on this campus is deplorable. The paper is waxy in texture, and this combined with its harsh, scratchy surface lends it the quality of glazed sandpaper. Absorbent? Hardly. Worse, it's stocked on rolls a foot in diameter. This attempt to pacify us with excess must not succeed.
I appeal to you as soon-to-be AD. UW student-athletes already face the challenge of balancing school and sport. Need they be further stressed? Nothing saps one's competitive edge like an unpleasant trip to the bathroom. Worse, are we purposefully sabotaging our competitors? Or is there different toilet paper in the visiting team's locker room?
Better toilet paper will help, but the problems in campus bathrooms extend further, and some aren't so easily fixable. I'm talking about graffiti. I'm a big fan. Lately, however, I've noticed an alarming lack of thought behind the scribbles. Take the men's bathroom in Memorial Library, for instance.
Someone wrote, ""It takes a thousand gallons of water to produce one pound of beef.""
Beneath that was the reply, ""How many gallons of water does it take to grow a tree or a pot plant? What does the world need more, drugs or food?""
Well, I'd say drugs. Food's good, but if it comes down to it, we'll water our pot plants and let the damn cattle fend for themselves. Stupid cows with their four stomachs, think they're so cool, think they're gonna get some of our water.
Just as the Athletic Department encourages fans and athletes to conduct themselves with class both on and off the field, those inclined to stall-scribbling should scribble responsibly. At UW athletic events, the fans, athletes and coaches unite against a shared opponent. The action of any one-third reflects on the others. That's why it's important that fans don't settle for simplistic ,profane cheers. We need to reach, to demoralize both the opposing team and its fans in a manner even they have to admire.
And so it is with campus toilet paper. We've identified the problem and are insistent on remedy.
Join us, Coach Alvarez. Stand with the students, shoulder to shoulder, as we stand by you. It is indeed the fourth and long of our struggle for student rights.
chunkkicke@yahoo.com.
