The column I had originally intended to run today was centered completely on my loathing of the UW-Madison system of football voucher turn-in.
The only events for which I'd be willing to camp out like State Street bums is if 1) Ringo and McCartney got together with the surviving members of The Who, Queen and Led Zeppelin to form the ultimate classic rock cover band, or 2) Van Halen makes amends with either Roth or Hagar, releases the new album and goes on the greatest tour ever (and it will happen before 2006-you heard it here first).
When the realization that we completely embarrassed the defending national champions with a near-flawless performance by Mr. Alvarez and our beloved football team, I lost all interest in having you put up with my voucher complaints. Even if it was super-hilarious.
Instead, I offer you my very own theory on someone we all know and love-Mr. Buckingham U. Badger.
The Athletic Department, school administration and the FBI are all dirty liars. For decades, these organizations have been pulling the wool over our eyes in an attempt to conceal one of the most monumental secrets of the century.
Bucky Badger is not a \mascot,"" not a student in an oversized Badger suit who exists solely as a tool to pump up crowds at sporting events or entertain people at photo-ops.
Bucky Badger, the living symbol of UW-Madison, is, in fact, an alien from outer space.
The story goes like this: At some point in the 1950s, school officials grew tired of using a real-live badger as a mascot at games and school functions, mostly because he was always drunk and hated kids.
Around that time, reports popped up near campus that a 7'0"" monster was roaming the streets. To protect the university's 96-year reputation of being ""monster-free,"" administrators hunted down the furry creature and were befuddled with what they discovered.
This so-called ""monster"" was actually a sentient being from two galaxies beyond ours. The alien, calling himself ""Qaaz'morg,"" explained in perfect English that he was sent to Earth to study humans for a book he was writing at the time.
He also looked like a giant badger that walked on two legs.
After determining that Qaaz'morg posed no threat to students, officials quickly offered a deal mutually beneficial to both the school and the alien: In exchange for unlimited time and funding for his research, and a place to crash, Qaaz'morg would become UW-Madison's new mascot, and a staple of home games and alumni events.
Qaaz'morg happily agreed, and was given a nice sweater and an efficiency in the basement of Ag Hall.
For more than 50 years, Qaaz'morg has been contentedly cheer-leading and researching at UW-Madison, making our school better and offering the finest observations of humans this side of Uranus.
Yet every fall, the school hires 10 students to carry around Bucky ""costumes"" and purport the myth that they are the ones doing pushups on the sidelines or crotching other mascots with the goal posts on game day.
You may believe their lies, but every time I look into his glassy eyes and perpetually smiling face, I know in my heart that Qaaz'morg is glad he landed in Madison, instead of Ann Arbor or Evanston.
I love you, Qaaz'morg-a.k.a. Bucky Badger.
writePNL@yahoo.com.
