Tensions are mounting as The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald rev up to meet on the fields of Vilas Park for the annual Cardinal/Herald football game. The Cardinal looks to build on last year's controversial tie with the Herald.
To fuel the fire between the two rival papers, the Herald sent a letter to the Cardinal staff that said \the instant you decided to face the Badger Herald, you sentenced yourselves to defeat.""
In an attempt to compensate for its staff's lack of athleticism with a scare-tactic, the letter also added the stipulation that ""when you decide to surrender, approach Herald employees with your hands in the air. Begin engaging in the Truffle Shuffle for a time no less than seven minutes and no longer than 19 minutes. Doing this is your only chance at survival.""
To continue in its vain attempt to intimidate Cardinal staffers, the Herald also included pictures of what was a visibly constipated Drew Hensen and a hungry Derek Montgomery, who was in the act of trying to eat the football, along with several other scraggly-looking lads.
After reading the letter, popular Cardinal sports columnist Michael Jones was in a state of complete confusion. After a minute of puzzlement, Jones asked, ""What the...How the...who the hell wrote this? Lars Russell's column in Arabic made more sense.""
Jones was an integral part of last year's game as he stole the Herald's keg from right under its nose. Without that keg, the Cardinal may have run out of booze before the game was done.
Veteran senior arts editor and defensive stud Ben Schultz brings his quiet but tough demeanor to a game full of emotion. Schultz was being considered by NFL scouts for his play in last year's game, but decided to stay in Madison instead.
""The scouts wanted me,"" Schultz said, referring to his talks with the Indianapolis Colts and the Green Bay Packers. ""But I decided to stay back and get my education."" At that moment, his normal quiet and reserved self turned somewhat angry and traces of rage could be sensed in his voice. ""I also stayed to play the Herald again. There's nothing more gratifying than watching the Herald cry after another demoralizing defeat to us.""
Schultz was the key to the victory last year as he scored the clutch touchdown, with the light of day waning from the field, to give the Cardinal the edge in the game. He was also a key on the other side of the ball, giving the Herald quarterbacks headaches all game.
GameDay editor and opinion columnist Greg Porter is psyched to play against the Herald and is prepared to leave everything he's got out on the field, holding nothing back against this cross-campus foe.
""I'm here to do two things: kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of bubble gum,"" the inherent Rowdy Roddy Piper fan exclaimed.
Many hopeful Cardinal staffers are wishing for another great year of halftime entertainment from our favorite pint-sized ""ballers,"" the St. Dennis Knights. The Knights won last year's youngster football game against Our Lady, Queen of Peace. With the Cardinal singing ""Varsity,"" substituting in St. Dennis as Wisconsin, the Cardinal cheered the Knights to a victory, then prepared itself for a brutal second half against the Herald.
""In my drunken blur, it was a beautiful game. It was a shame the Herald didn't cheer on Our Lady. They should have been watching, because they could have used the help,"" cheerleader Danielle Szulczewski said.
No matter the case, the Cardinal looks to continue its dominance on the gridiron with a convincing victory over that other paper. No matter what happens, good times will be had... OK, good times will be had once we annihilate the competition.
