As fall dawns upon Madison, Wisconsin for another year, the usual questions arise from freshmen once again. Where are my classes? How do I purchase a novelty ID to be used for strictly novelty purposes? Will that girl be impressed by my Todd Oldham collection of star pillows and new pastel lamps from Target?
The best answers I can give to you are these: I do not know, try that shady hippie hanging outside Ogg, and are you sure you want to attract girls or the cast of \Queer Eye for Straight Guy,"" you flipping moron?
But then you might ask, ""How do I pre-party on football Saturdays?"" Is it like those Friday nights back home where we went to Applebee's and pissed of that old couple with our ""rahs?""
Uh... no. There are no glitter and poster parties here, young one. As a courtesy to you and your dorm-mates, here is an unofficial guide to Saturday pregames:
House party. Focus on a particular liquor but don't mix and match. Saturday will be a bit longer if you paint La Ciel's walls with wop.
Practice your never-ending use of profanity and hand gestures by opening your dorm window and threatening castration to the band geeks who ruined your sleep.
Quick shower (while having a beer of course). Start with a light breakfast, like another High Life and last night's Pokey sticks.
Congregate with friends for your gameplan. If you're planning on forming a word with your bodies, coordinate who's which letter and stick to it. Nothing looks poorer than a group of idiots walking down the street spelling SADBEGR.
First morning beer bong.
Change shirts after you vomit from taking in the foam.
Begin waking up all your floormates with your airhorn. Specifically concentrate in front of the door of the chode who cockblocked you on moving day when he brought the cute girl down the hall a Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Return to the beer bong (a little bit wiser this time) and take it down. Exert dominance with obligatory ""Old School"" quote of A) ""Fill it up again"" B) ""It tastes so good once it hits your lips,"" or C) ""You know it!""
After multiple beer bongs, begin trying to display your football knowledge to the ladies by slurring your words and regaling them with stories about how you saw Lee Evans get a Jamba Juice.
Down a beer for the road. Begin assembling everyone. Wait for those three girls applying the motion W on their faces.
Still waiting...
Leave for the game ... without them.
Remember that the game is not for another two and a half hours. Curse in anger as you realize this on Dayton Street. Curse in joy as the Dayton House folks offer you a three-story bong.
Get into a chugging contest with the former mayor of Madison.
Get your ass kicked by the mayor after you notify him that his wife is a ""MILF."" Get in one good punch before he knocks you out cold.
Wake up. Get to game with a black eye, the smell of stale booze, and a day full of memories. Ah, don't you love college!
