With five minutes to go 'til kickoff and a beef sandwich in one hand and a pen in the other, I take to the floor, prepared for a night of bizarre ramblings from John Madden and Brett Favre butt-kissing by Al Michaels.
8:00 p.m.: The cameras pan across the new Soldier Field. Yes, it looks like a spaceship but it seems appropriate as winning seems to be the only alien to the team. Brad Maynard's punt bounces down the field. It's going to be ugly. Moments later, the sounds of \I Love My Green Bay Packers"" fills the house at 532 W. Mifflin. Packers up 7-0. It's going to be ugly.
8:33: 10-0 Packers. Bears fans in the room reflect on the Illinois-Wisconsin game when we actually hoped an Illinois team would lose. Remember when Badger fans brought in the inflatable phallic object? Ahhh, good times.
8:38: Bears fans at the game begin booing in disgust at what seems to be another dismal outing by Kordell Stewart. Stewart sighs as he leaves the field, apparently because going 3-and-out is hard work.
8:39: The punt is blocked. I wonder what time the Cubs game is tomorrow. Still hard to believe that the Cubs' playoff chances were riding on the Brewers winning. Seems a lot like relying on the kid who sleeps through lectures to help you pass your final.
8:42: 17-0 Packers. The defensive line, obviously distracted by Paris Hilton in the crowd, pretty much allow Green Bay receivers to walk into the endzone.
8:56: 17-3 Packers. Bears manage a field goal. Bright side? At least we're on the board. Bad news? Field goals aren't worth 17 points.
9:09: Green Bay touchdown. Jim Belushi's brought into the pressbox, ABC's way of saying that this game is over.
9:28: Michaels announces that the Bears are 0-23 when losing by 21. This is followed by him telling the audience the Bears haven't had the lead all season. There's got to be a baseball game on somewhere.
9:30: The half is mercifully over. Fans boo the team off the field, which undoubtedly will help Stewart's fragile ego.
9:33: Everyone who left is no doubt kicking themselves now as Michaels announces a new halftime program which includes pairing musicians with football players. If you ever wondered what Marcellus Wiley from the Raiders would sound like rapping with DMC, wonder no more. It's weird. When Joey Harrington starts playing the piano with some guy from Blues Traveller and the hot pokers begin looking more and more inviting, I realize that this column is just about over.
So, what have we learned as the game heads into the second half? Well, the Cubs game is at 7 p.m. The time is guaranteed, just like a Bears loss.
