A couple of people have sent in letters wondering why I rip on Michiganders all the time. With my time running out at The Daily Cardinal, I figured I'd set things straight. There are many things that I hate with a passion burning of a thousand suns. One of them is the Minnesota Vikings. One of them is the Devil. And one of them is the fact that Abercrombie gets all of the credit for the store's clothing success, while Fitch gets the royal shaft. And yet, none of them inspire more hate in my heart than the state of Michigan.
Now before I begin, let me mention that I do not hate certain parts of Michigan. My dawg, Mike and his family are good people. And I respect the Motown sound. But everything else about Michigan makes me want to vomit.
First off, the worst two cities on earth are located in Michigan. Flint, Mich. is a place so depressing, their own kindergartners get access to firearms somehow. It has been voted repeatedly as the worst place in America to live. The worst place in America to live?! There are places in America where people break their own bones and videotape it for sport, where rivers are so polluted they catch fire and where a squirrel is not a tree-dwelling animal but an appetizer and they beat out Flint, Mich. Then there's Detroit. I'm not going to elaborate on Detroit, but I'll just say this: Eminem is from Detroit... Eminem is from Detroit.
Second, if there is one thing I have learned about people who go to the University of Michigan, it is that they all suck. They all really suck. And what's worse, they are totally unaware of the fact that they suck. In fact, if you ever speak to someone who goes to Michigan, they behave like you're the one who sucks. They speak with this contrived sense of superiority, like since they went to the same school as Gerald Ford, they can look down on you. And of course, they justify their superiority through magazine rankings and sports. And then they play that damn song which will go down in history as the most ludicrously repetitive piece of eurotrash that I have ever heard, and I listened to David Hasselhoff's album. It's officially recognized that Louis Ebsel wrote it on his way home from a Michigan victory. What they didn't tell you was that Louis was a tone-deaf, mentally handicapped man with poor hygiene. That is the only way I can justify the existence of such a piece of musical crap.
Finally, it's the fact that Michigan controls a part of Wisconsin which Wisconsin never got around to incorporating. That damn upper peninsula deserves to be with Wisconsin, and Michigan dangles it above us like we don't deserve it. I propose that we can take back the UP with a keg and the Wisconsin Badger football team. Why the Badgers? Because in my experience, the wrath of God cannot deter the drunkest of Madison undergrads in accomplishing a mission. Second, half of the team are felons anyway, so you know that they could hold their own in the arenas of weaponry and hand-to-hand combat. 'Better them up there than Club Amazon,' I always say!
