Despite our best efforts, we all learned something during spring break. How do you ask \Do I get my one phone call from jail"" in Spanish? What are the age-of-consent laws in Florida (""Officer, I swear I didn't know she was 15!"")? Even those who stayed in Madison learned something last week.
For instance, I've learned that there are 360,000 NCAA student athletes, and they're all sociology majors. I've learned that with the right combination of booze, time on your hands and a trenchcoat you too can execute your own ""Shock and Awe"" campaign on State Street. But the most important thing I've learned is that all high school kids are more annoying than Michael Moore at the Oscars.
How could I feel this way? It's only been three years since I was a high school lad, talking it out and chopping it up every night. Is there that big of a difference between them and me? I learned last week that the answer is a resounding yes!
With the high school boys basketball tournament in town, a lot of young kids, aged 13-18, descended upon the Kohl Center in search of a championship. There was downtime between games, so they walk along State Street and look around. Well, I wouldn't call it walking. Walking involves movement of at least a foot per second. These kids strut in a gait which is a cross between a three-toed sloth and a 1970s street pimp on acid. You don't see this with college kids as we are too used to rushing from class to class, kegger to kegger,or bar to bar to detox.
And they always looked like they were going to fight you if you dare to look at them. With their hooded sweatshirts (with their hands pushing down in their pocket), sideways caps/visors and that sullen look which can only be from watching ""8 Mile"" too many times, they walked around with an imaginary chip on their shoulder. And usually I'm not prone to violence. But there I was, sizing one of them up and knowing I could take this little asswipe. And no, I'm not impressed of all of those shiny medals on his letter jacket. I know they're from band camp. Bring it bitch!
But the worst is when they try to act like they are college folk. I saw a kid trying to use his fake ID at a bar while wearing his 2004 letter jacket ... HIS 2004 LETTER JACKET! Definitely short bus material, that one. I saw another kid whistle at a girl while passing her on the street and made some comment worthy of a construction worker or a low-grade porn star. We're talking worse than ""They call me Nova ... as in Casanova!"" You just want to stop one of them and say, ""Listen, you're from Seymour, Wis. Just stop it. No! No! Shut up! Just stop what you're doing right now. It might work with the farmer's daughter, but not here.""
Who teaches these kids these things? I don't know, but I'm just glad that I'm way more mature than that. Maybe I was like that in my youth, but I'm definitely an older and wiser man.
So if you excuse me, I'm late for my midday beer bong.
