The insufferable question of the week has been, \So what are you doing for Valentine's Day?"" To which I quickly reply, ""I have a date with Ezra Brooks on a Night Train heading for Southern Comfort."" This always causes some confused looks. Then I get accused of being some sort of bitter Valentine's Day Grinch.
It's not that I'm bitter. I'm just not into this lovey-dovey-choco-hearts-crap type of love. I just wish I could go back to a time when I had all of my ""Jurassic Park"" valentines written out and I waited nervously until the end of the day to put my cards in everyone's paper bag mailbox, only to find out that my female classmates ""forgot"" to give me one ... OK, maybe I am bitter. But there are people less fortunate than I when it comes to this Hallmark holiday. Do you know who I really feel sorry for every Valentine's Day...
Jesus.
Oh, no! Did I just mention Jesus in a public school paper? Separation of church and state! Now, before I get ""disappeared"" from campus by the atheist activists, I just want to say that JC is lumped up with some sorry SOBs. If I were Jesus (and on some nights when I'm sippin' the wine, I think I am) I would be righteously pissed off! Not only have my holidays been secularized so that some cracker fat-ass in a red jumpsuit and a damn bunny with some hippie tie-dyed chicken eggs are more popular symbols of holidays which celebrate my BIRTH AND RESURRECTION, but now the only two saints that are on my level of holiday-worthy extravaganzas are guys named Valentine and Patrick!
What the hell did Valentine do anyway? He illegally married people when Emperor Claudius put the kibosh on marriages so he could fill his armies with single men. And for that, they beat him with clubs. Way to go Val! Patty's claim to fame? He drove the snakes out of Ireland? Well whoopty-freaking-do! I saw that trick on Fox in between Joe Millionaire and that show where the bear ate more food than the MILF guy from American Pie. How about dying for everyone's sins! Oh I'm sorry, not sexy enough. Maybe he should have married off some Roman folk or beat some reptiles off of a godforesaken rock off of a larger rock off of France.
From my decade's worth of schoolin' about Jesus, I know that he's a pretty mellow dude. But I still wonder if he's just hanging up there in heaven, wondering how the hell he, the son of God, can get the shaft when it comes to celebrations? If anything, Valentine's Day should prove to JC that the brother needs a new PR guy.
So when you're with your loved one tomorrow, snuggling up next to the fireplace, (or the lit trashcan in your kitchen because Steve Brown took over your place and won't fix the damn heater) remember that there's a man upstairs who's looking for some love in the holiday department. And if you don't give it to him, he's coming after you ... and this time, it's personal!
