Today, Mike Jones is declaring his intent to forego his senior season and enter the NBA Draft.
\But Mike, I never knew you were able to play ball at a professional level!"" you might say. But that's beside the point. Mike Jones has the heart to play in the NBA. Mike Jones gots da bling! Mike Jones gots the street cred. Mike Jones even gots an agent! Say hi to the nice readers, Mr. Falk.
David Falk: Mike baby, I can get you a seven-to-eight-figure deal. Every team needs a guy who can hustle up and down the court and...
Me: Maybe you didn't get the memo, D, but Mike Jones don't hustle. Mike Jones bustles, as in bizzule a cap in yo ass the next time you try to bizzoss Mike Jones around, bizzatch!
DF: I don't care, as long as I get my 5 percent.
But that's not all. Mike Jones already has a shoe deal with British Knights worth 25 million for five years, a deal with Faygo to hock their economically-priced soda products and a deal with BVD underwear where Mike Jones' first commercial will air during the 2004 Super Bowl.
Now you might ask, ""Yo, Jonesy! How are ya gonna keep it real?"" Well Mike Jones' answer is going to be Mike Jones' crew from Madtown! We call ourselves the No Limit Cash Money Ruff Rydin' Death Row Murder Inc. St. Lunatics. We so good, we don't even need an acronym. We have the entire name tattooed up and down our back, reaching parts of our buttocks. My peeps be Jo Po (Mike Jones' guru), P-HOVA (Mike Jones' H2 driver), AK-47 (Mike Jones' bodyguard), Baby Ja (Mike Jones' Chair of Keepin' It Real), Rock 'n' Roll (Mike Jones' slangmaster and stylist) and Tha Luz Canon, or TLC to those he's murdered (the producer of Mike Jones' rap album, Bitch, Mike Jones Has Killed People for Sayin' Less.)
What team does Mike Jones want to play for? What's Mike Jones' past experience? Can Mike Jones even enter the NBA Draft? Those are all details, folks. Because Mike Jones challenges LeBron, Carmelo and all of the fakerz out there on the court. Little do they know that Mike Jones was the Most Improved Player at sixth grade basketball camp. And with Mike Jones' three years as a student, Mike Jones gots all tha skillz to make it in the pros! You wanna know how hot Mike Jones is? ESPN didn't even bother to put Mike Jones on their NEXT issue because Mike Jones is not the future, nor the coming prophet, Mike Jones IS the present savior of the game! And you better recognize! Here's a little excerpt from Dr. Jack Ramsey on Mike Jones:
""At 5'5"" and 250 pounds, this kid is the entire package. If I were Phil Jackson, I'd trade Kobe and Shaq for a shot at this kid!""
Why all the hype? Why not all the hype? Our country, our campus, our way of life is built on hype! Hype of an impending war, hype of what's next on ""Joe Millionaire,"" or hype over an unqualified child joining a pro sport (Mike Jones or LeBron James, you decide), we eat up this hype and beg for seconds. It's becoming disgusting and I hope one day, we stop believing the hype.
Until then, Mike Jones is gonna be as bad as Mike Jones wants to be!
