Hey folks, it's two days 'til Feb. 14 and I've got one question for you: Am I the only one who thinks George W. Bush might ask Saddam Hussein to be his valentine? Seriously, we've all been around someone with a crush, and this one bears all the markings.
I know what you're thinking--\But D.H., George W. Bush isn't gay."" Which is true, of course--the guy likes women. Laura Bush is a good-looking woman. And George's membership in the Republican Party and connection with the Christian Right may suggest a tangible hostility toward homosexuality.
But if Hallmark has taught us anything about V-Day, it's that affection is de-sexed. It's not unusual for a straight man to feel some affection for another straight man, even without any sexual desire, as I'm sure is the case with George and Saddam, since Saddam makes Kim Jong Il look like Ashton Kutcher.
Follow me here.
I've spent a lot of time listening to lovestruck friends talk about their objects of desire. In fact, it's tough to get them to talk about anything else.
Sound familiar? George ignored the economy for months while he chirped about Saddam. He sat pining away for his dowry of oil and tasty figs while the economy continued its downward spiral.
""But Dan,"" you naively ask again, ""If he has a crush on Saddam, why would President Bush spend all this time and money saying he wants Saddam gone?""
You've obviously never been on a playground before. When someone has the jones for someone else, it eventually turns into behavior like monkey bar roughhousing, or in our case, tattling.
Mr. Annan, Saddam's pointing nuclear weapons at me, thus violating U.N. Resolution 1441. And he tried to kill my dad!
Is this true Saddam? Do I have to inspect your sandbox?
No! Mr. American Satan is at it again with his American lies.
I hate you! I'm taking my unilateral action and going home.
Sadly, it looks like Saddam will never reciprocate George's feelings. He just waits for Dubya to lose interest.
But George hasn't lost interest. Hell, other countries have cried for his attention.
Kim Jong Il and North Korea tried to woo Bush, announcing they had the bomb.
And he just won't get out of his long-term, troubled relationship with Saudi Arabia's Wahabi royalty, despite their affinity for funding and facilitating al Qaeda.
So, obviously it's about Saddam.
Really, being this twitterpated has caused his job performance to suffer.
Just a few days ago he turned in a budget that appeared to have been drawn up by a drunken Ayn Rand. He under-funded housing, law enforcement, child care and health insurance, while budgeting $380 billion for defense--rolling back modest positive accomplishments won in the last century by presidents content to be in love with mistresses rather than dictators.
No one would do that on purpose.
We've got to get this guy out of love so he can focus on the presidency. Although I'm a little worried that between bombs and poverty, some of us won't live to see him as a jilted lover. Happy V-Day.
