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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, July 14, 2025

Art, Anna, Sergei, the Juice and Wilco

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and I know exactly where I'll be... cuddled up next to my true love: a fifth of vodka. For all you suckers out there with amorous intentions for Valentine's Day, I have taken the pain out of your weekend by compiling a pre-emptive and humorously depressing mix of songs for when your significant other ditches you for the hot chick in class, the cool guy at the party, et cetera. 

 

 

 

Now, I never expect to get replies about my columns, but in case you feel like hating on me after reading this column, for you I offer no quarter and instead suggest you make like Justin Timberlake and \cry me a river.""  

 

 

 

Obviously, since this is a sports column and considering the notion that the last time a male in my family had a date, the first George Bush was in the White House, my heartbreak centers around sports related events. Onward with the list.  

 

 

 

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Song: ""I am trying to break your heart."" Artist: Wilco Album:  

 

 

 

Sport Moment: Art Modell moves the Cleveland Browns six days after the Cleveland Indians lose the World Series. If it weren't a big enough kick in the junk for residents of the ""Mistake by the Lake"" and indeed all Ohioans watching the Indians lose to Ted Turner's bastard franchise, the Atlanta Braves. Son-of-a-jackyll and owner of the now Baltimore Ravens, Art Modell, stole his team away from the citizens of Cleveland. Not only have the Baltimore Ravens franchise won a Super Bowl since it fled Ohio, but Art Modell has in fact grown horns. Meanwhile, Ohio has sunk into an even lower state of depression following the Indians World Series loss to the Florida Marlins and the Browns drafted Tim Couch.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Song: ""Love Hurts"" Artist: Nazareth. Album:  

 

 

 

Sport Moment: OJ Simpson and Nicole Brown Simpson. Is it wrong to laugh at the irony of OJ stabbing Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman with a butcher knife while humming ""Love Hurts"" or perhaps singing the chorus from ""Hair of the Dog."" Just picture the Juice belting along to Dan McCafferty's powerful lead vocals: ""Now you're messing with a son of a bitch ... now you're messing with a son of a bitch!"" Indeed, you are O.J., indeed you are.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Song: ""The Girl is Mine."" Artists: Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Album:  

 

 

 

Sport Moment: Sergei Fedorov, Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova. Oh the twisted web that no talent tennis hack and tart Anna Kournikova weaves. First she dates Pavel Bure then she dates Sergei Fedorov, then Bure again, then Fedorov and now she gets her meals paid for by Enrique Iglesias. Aside from starring in Enrique's latest 'hit' (and I mean the term in the loosest of definitions), Kournikova still has not won any major tennis titles by herself; yet she shows up on more 'google' searches than anyone outside of the porn industry. Believe me, I know.  

 

 

 

Now, we all know that Sergei Fedorov could easily kick Enrique and his ""latin thang"" all the way back across the Atlantic to the nation of Spain. However, Sergei has problems of his own, between losing teeth from hockey pucks and losing consciousness due to over-consumption of fermented potato juice. Fedorov will have to get his own act together before he can get back on the Anna train. 

 

 

 

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