For reasons apparently stemming from a masochistic desire to harm my brain, I tuned into MTV the other day. The programming was mind-numbing--nothing unusual there.
But during the program break, a commercial caught my attention.
This spot features computer-generated shots of people with words printed on and around their moving bodies. This part didn't really grab my attention. I just figured it was a typical nonsense ad for a random wireless service or online job search engine. But the end is intriguing.
It ends with the statement and graphic \VERB: It's what you do,"" along with a plug for a Web site called VerbNow (www.verbnow.com).
""This can't be happening,"" I uttered aloud. My first thought was that all U.S. English teachers had pooled their meager salaries and taken out an ad for grammar. MTV would seem the right channel to target, as it has almost fully replaced verbs and nouns with such interjections as ""Totally,"" ""Oh My God!"" and ""Hollllaaaaa!""
I expected the next commercial to be ""GERUND: It's what happens when you use '-ing' to make a verb into a noun."" When this ad did not appear, I rushed to my computer to view the Web site.
Sponsored by The Department of Health and Human Services' Center for Disease Control, The VerbNow campaign seeks to promote physical and ""pro-social"" (apparently the opposite of anti-social) activities among nine to 13-year-olds. The campaign uses its painfully earnest site to admonish kids to stay healthy and maintain good relationships with their peers.
I'm all for kids eating healthily and having enough friends to keep them from using all the red crayons for realistic blood in their art class drawings. But trust me, CDC-- grammar is not your sexiest weapon in the fight against childhood obesity and antisocial behavior.
And hell, in my younger days I dealt with both, and I'm doing fine (by my definition anyway).
The main verb I practiced between nine and 13 was ""eat."" Which would have been fine if the thinner kids weren't so adept and enthusiastic with ""taunt."" Luckily, I'm great with ""retort"" so I didn't have to resort to ""punch.""
What worries me most is that the TV campaign just advocates verbs in general. This could be especially damaging for kids who can't access the Web site and try out the verbs it specifically recommends.
Apparently, someone at the CDC forgot that ""smoke,"" ""drink"" and ""impregnate"" are all verbs.
Oh well, this is probably the wave of the future for government ads, destined to take over for such illustrious predecessors as the exploitative and logically ridiculous ""If-you-have-ever-used-an-illicit-substance-you-support-terror"" ads.
Perhaps in the next few months the CIA will debut its own VerbNow-style ads. Maybe we'll see ""TRAIN: It's what we do for terrorists when we think they will help us,"" followed by its sister FBI ad starring John Ashcroft ""NOT GIVE A SHIT: It's what I do about civil liberties.""
Man, Bush could have used this technique to spread a little friendly self-deprecating humor during his 2000 campaign. He could have run a whole series of ""STRATEGERY: Is it a verb? Is it a noun? Can I speak English? Who the hell cares, I've got a cute smile, elect me.""
And don't be surprised in 2004 if you see a Bush campaign ad brag ""ELECT ME: You didn't actually do it the first time, what makes you think you can stop me now?""
But I hope not. I don't think my brain can handle that between installments of TRL. I better stop now because ""RAMBLE: It's what I do.""
