While you read this, remember that I have many friends from Illinois who are good men and women and who have humility and a quiet dignity.
That being said, I want the Illinois people to know a couple of things...
You are not from Chicago! Stop living the lie! We know you live an hour south of the city, so just f*****g admit it. Now this might be a tad nitpicky, but since when is someone from Chicago when they live an hour away from the damn city!?
In my three years at this university, I have met countless amounts of people from Illinois. And not even once, have they told me that they are from anywhere else than Chicago. It's like it's some sort of sin if you live in the state, but not in its largest city.
How many times has this happened to you?
\So, where are you from?""
""Chicago.""
""Really, which city?""
""Springfield.""
Now Springfield is approximately 199.25 miles from Chicago. So in what way is the town of Springfield exactly any part of Chicago? Here's a little rule-of-thumb in regards to city membership: If you live more than 20 minutes from the city, you are not connected to the city! Now if you are from Joliet, Barrington, Naperville, and St. Charles--my friend Cary, who lives five minutes away from Chicago, would like to tell you something--YOU ARE NOT FROM CHICAGO AND YOU NEVER WERE!
Could you also stop being so condescending to your fellow Midwesterners? You do not live on a damn coast! So take off the North Face jacket, wipe the gel out of your ears, and get this straight: We are not cow-tipping rejects from the cast of ""Fargo"". While we might not have a monorail, we still don't appreciate smug faux-Chicagoans treating us like we're the flower shop idiot who can't distinguish the fact that Tiki and Ronde Barber are identical twins. It's like some Chicagoans see Wisconsin as nothing more than a pitstop on their way to greatness, or merely a summer home where they could bag a buck and visit a ""quaint"" antique shop with the backwards Northwoods simpletons.
Also, For the love of God, stop talking about your stupid Cubs alright! The last time they were IN the World Series, my mother's side of the family was trying to overthrow the imperialist French government in Indochina.
For those who think they're ""street"" because Chicago has a certified ghetto that they conveniently live 50 miles from, you're not tough! Just because you once drove by where they filmed ""Hoop Dreams"" does not make you an honorary member of the community. So stop trying to pick fights at the bars and justifying your toughness as being from ""Chi-Town.""
And another thing, just because your car has an Illinois plate does not make the streets your personal open-air Grand Theft Auto game. Stop driving like a maniac. This might come as a shock to you, but traffic signs are not suggestions, so stop almost running me over with your ""tricked-out"" Tahoe that Daddy bought you while you're playing your Nick Carter CD with the N.E.R.D. remix, alright!
My point is that no one is superior to another person just because they happen to be from, or live next to a cosmopolitan city. No one is that special, and we should embrace our similarities instead of using our differences as divisions. For instance, let's all band together and unite under the UW rallying cry:
F*** Michigan!
