Ask any student why college is considered one of the greatest experiences in their life, and they will all give you the same answer: a fast Internet connection to download porn.
After that, they'll say freedom. The freedoms to do things like, oh, I don't know, go to the bar for a $2.50 rail.
\I'd like a bourbon and Coke for $2.50.""
""We can't serve drink specials, they encourage binge drinking. And as a bar, if there's one thing we shouldn't do, it's dispense too much alcohol.""
OK, so bad example. But I can still do something legal and trivial like smoke a cigarette while I throw darts.
""Well, actually, you can't smoke in here either. We cannot in good conscience allow you to harm our patrons with your toxic smoke. People are trying to drink alcohol here! Have a heart, man!""
Well, the bar scene doesn't matter to me as long as I can show pride in the freedoms afforded to me by cheering for my Badgers with chants that intimidate the opposition.
""Whoa, whoa, whoa there, son! We can't be having you saying chants like 'YOU [censored] UP!' Kids might be listening ... as well as ABC and their major sponsors. Why don't you get some classy cheers that encourage us when we run Anthony Davis on third and 15, or when Bollinger holds on to the ball for 45 seconds and takes the sack instead of throwing it away. Besides, if you don't, I can have you killed with a snap of my fingers.""
But at least I can find comfort within enjoying the freedom of speech on this campus. Since everyone is so open-minded.
""I agree. As long as you're pro-choice.""
""But I'm not.""
""Pro-Greens?""
""No.""
""Well, as long as you hate Bush even though Clinton did the exact same things and I love him for it.""
""Well, I'm not a big fan of them both.""
""Well, then you don't deserve the freedom of speech as long as you don't agree with me. Now if you excuse me, I have to go to my ASM meeting.""
While the drink specials and smoking bans are currently not approved, it's still ridiculous that a university which prides itself on freedom and the protection of it is restricting things like smoking and the possibility of getting two L.I.T.'s for the price of one. And while I'm not the oldest or the wisest of gentlemen (the good people at Paul's Club can tell you that), I sincerely believe that the university has lost some of the luster it had in the past with these regulations currently being debated. What's next?
""Yeah, I'd like a Big Mac meal with a Coke.""
""Sir, we cannot sell you a sugary product since it angries up the blood. Now would you like our new chili cheese fries with that Big Mac?""
Or how about:
So please join me in drinking a rail for two bucks, smoking a Parliament at the Plaza, and telling section O that they suck, because if we don't then we're gonna end up wound tighter than a Liz Waters girl at a frat party. And do you know what kind of joyless school we become?
Michigan.
