The Dell computer guy must die. He must die now. And it cannot be a quick death. It must be slow and painful, extremely slow and painful. And unusual too. Maybe he could be run over by a BMW. Maybe he can be bled to death by tiny cuts all over his body. But he must die.
And when he dies, we will all watch, for it will be in a commercial. A commercial where Dell apologizes for pimping his wares with the shrill, hollow goat-child at his right hand. And we will laugh, and cry, and cheer.
I usually do not pray for the slow death of another human being. But then again, I thought I would never hate another corporate-sponsored whore more than Carrot Top. Which by the way, is a surefire way to send your stock plummeting. What in God's name was AT&T thinking when they hired him?
AT&T executive: \We are the hegemony of the telecommunications field. And you know what? We need the ugliest prop comic to ever soil the earth to hock our collect calling plan! He and only he can follow up David Arquette's quiet, powerful presence.""
I thought that Carrot Top would be the bottom of the pit in advertising, but when you think they can't stoop any lower, they bring out the shovels.
And they (""they"" being Dell in this case) found a hateful, lonely stoner with poor teeth and the face of an incubus-like spawn of the Devil. When I first saw him, I was slightly amused. It seemed to be a tolerable one-time commercial, definitely not worthy of a national campaign. But he came back-in scenarios only those with contempt for humanity could conceive. An elf? A commencement speaker? What kind of establishments would allow such a person to speak? And wouldn't they yank his sorry ass off the podium as soon as he mentions deals for computers?
In every commercial, his face gets more impish and goofy. It's like he's on a constant trip of weed and 'shrooms, where the more he talks about Dell, the higher he gets. And I just hate him, because he doesn't deserve to make more commercials.
And I like Dell. I really do. They are a quality company with talent for network systems. But why would you allow Bill S. Preston, Esq.'s bastard son to promote your quality products?
Well, my boy Andy Joanis brings up a good point. Maybe he's just borderline retarded. And then my hatred is thrown out the window, because I can't hate the mentally challenged. Sure, we can execute them in Texas, but we can't hate them.
But I don't think he's mentally challenged. I just think he's stoned. So stoned, he can't even walk straight.
So why is he so popular? Word on the street is that the ladies fancy him, to which I say, ""God no. Oh dear God no."" I don't know, maybe I just wish I could contort my face, close my eyes and smoke a kilo of weed a day in order to attract women.
So write to your local congressman. Picket Dell. Find this guy, kidnap him and then, e-mail me. For I will be there, ready to end the nightmare.
mikejones@dailycardinal.com.
