Welcome to the Universidad de Wisconsin-Madison. I am Michael Jones, otherwise known as that weird guy who sits in your class and smells like feet.
It's SOAR time and you're all excited because you're one step closer toward leaving home and not having your parents walk in on you masturbating to your porn. Aww, you have so much ambition right now. Some of you think you're gonna cure cancer, and some of you think you're going to be the President of the United States. It's so refreshing to see the youthful faces of hope and promise before this university sucks it all away along with your segregated fees.
Seeing how you're probably reading this right now, passing the time between registration and when crew tries to recruit all the lanky guys and gals, I'll give you some advice before you move in.
1. Do you have a hometown boyfriend/girlfriend who is going to be far away, yet you still are going to try a long-distance relationship? Well, your roommate has some options at his/her disposal. For instance, if you begin speaking baby talk over the phone or spend more than one hour on IM with them, they are allowed to beat you with an aluminum bat. Also, if he/she comes up for the weekend for a college dorm \conjugal visit"" your roommate gets to invite his/her most obnoxious friends and let them booze, smoke the ganj and pass out in your room while you're studying for your Math 222 midterm.
2. Guys, never date a girl who lives in Liz Waters. Never. ""But she's not like them,"" you say. Well young sir, she is, and she will stick her talons in you and rip your flesh apart when she gets the chance. But if you still decide to date a Liz Waters girl, draw a map of the closest exits. That dorm was forged by the devil Lucifer, where he twisted with his wicked claws a dorm fit to drive men without direction mad. And if you decide to break up with her, the dorm is designed to confuse you until her NOW compatriots can find you and force you to watch ""Beaches"" and ""Boys Don't Cry"" with your eyelids taped open, ""Clockwork Orange""-style.
3. You, the one who has a souped-up desktop, and spends his days arguing which is the best Star Trek captain and talking trash while playing Half-Life against two guys at Cal-Tech, go outside. Yes, go outside. It'll be good for you. Meet people. Talk to them. Don't be shy, talk to them. Human interaction is valuable. And no, human interaction does not count that one time you met your internet girlfriend, and found out she's a 48-year-old guy with three outstanding restraining orders on him.
4. You, the guy who goes over and hangs out with the girls so you can look sensitive and get laid'it doesn't work. I know from experience, and two things will happen. One is the dreaded friend zone and you might as well gnaw your leg off from that bear trap. Or two, they figure you out for the phony creep you are and will give you weird looks whenever you walk by, so stop it this instant!
5. Finally, keep an open mind. To all Chicagoans and East Coasters, Midwesterners are not just a bunch of dairy farmers who watch Packers games and drink copious amounts of beer. Some of them raise chickens. And sheltered suburbanites: That black guy over there is not going to steal your wallet, that Arab-looking guy does not want to blow up this building and that girl with the spiked green hair with 115 piercings is not some militant lesbian. Chances are she's just a philosophy major.
So good luck this fall. Don't let your grades slip, but go out and enjoy yourself with a cold beverage from time to time. That's all I have to say, and I'll see ya when I see ya.
