So, I'm a married woman. Instantly you think, \No sex!"" Especially when I tell you that I've been married for eight-and-a-half years now, you'll think the sex must be boring and infrequent. What if I told you that I, a female graduate student, married another woman? Does the term, ""Lesbian Bed Death"" come to mind?
For many women in our demographic this is not so funny! Lesbian Bed Death (LBD) is defined as two women in a long term relationship who haven't had sex in at least two years, yet continue to live together without engaging in sexual relations with anyone else. I know of couples who have suffered from this ailment for over 15 years. Can you imagine! Living together in monogamy'monotony'for 17 years and not having had sex for the last 15? It happens!
Women's magazines are filled with stories on how to keep married sex alive. They tell us how much women are suffering after becoming married. They give us advice like, ""How to give your sex life a boost!"" ""What to do when you want sex and he's too tired!"" ""Keeping the spark alive!"" Are these articles only for straight women?
What about those of us who are happy with our sex life? Even though my partner and I have sex less often than we used to, it seems to be better, more satisfying and more intense when it does happen. We laugh about how we've come to view sex'the idea is nice, but at the end of a long day or on a sleepy weekend morning, it just seems like so much work! Does lesbian sex entail more work than heterosexual sex? Is it true that the term, ""lesbian quickie"" is an oxymoron?
In light of these magazine articles, we began to wonder about our relationship. After some thought, I realized that our expectations have dropped. Since we are both students, we spend inordinate amounts of time together. After eight years, we've pretty much become bonded together. We've had the luxury of some really great vacations lately where we've been able to spend quality time in each other's company. In other words, many of the emotional needs that sex fulfills have been taken care of.
Furthermore, sometimes its not quantity, but quality that counts. After the initial ""getting-to-know-you"" phase'which lasts about two weeks'sex becomes more than just an act of exploration. It becomes a hobby. In my experience, the hobby phase lasts between two and six months, depending on your stamina and if either of you have a regular job. From that point on, in a long-term relationship, you usually settle down into a regular schedule.
Especially after the two-year mark you begin to feel that you don't have anything to prove anymore. Staying together seems inevitable, the chain is firmly affixed to your ankle and you kinda like it there.
You start having sex when you really want to instead of every Friday night or Saturday morning because all the other couples you know are doing it then. You start having sex that lasts longer'it might be another month before you do this again, you'd better get your money's worth! You start having sex that really leaves an impression. You plan for it, you set aside time for it and you spend a lot of time on it and it shows! So, if you dread being ""old"" and married, don't fret. By the time you reach that stage, you'll be happy about it and you'll realize that great sex isn't what you once thought it was!
