Tomorrow is Abraham Lincoln's birthday and as a history major, I feel it's my duty to educate people about the life of Mr. Lincoln. I've already told you all you need to know about George Washington, namely that he lived in the 18th century, swore and got punked by the French when he was younger and now I'd like to do the same for Lincoln, who was an even greater president than Washington was.
What's that? How do I know that Lincoln was better than Washington? Simple'Lincoln is on the $5 bill while Washington is on the $1 bill. That's how us historians rank presidents'by who's on the higher currency. For example, Lincoln was a better president than Washington, but not as good as Andrew Jackson. Benjamin Franklin wasn't technically ever president, but everyone agrees he would have done such a good job that they just put him on the $100 bill.
But I can see you're still not convinced. You know Washington led the Continental Army, was the first president and invented the quarter. But if you think Lincoln was just some bum from Illinois with a beard, how wrong you are.
Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin in Kentucky as Abram Chester Lincoln. His family was poor, despite the fact that his father invented the \Lincoln log"" that all log cabins were built with. After losing most of the family's money at the Kentucky Derby, Mr. Lincoln packed up his family and moved to Indiana. It was there that Abram spent much of his childhood. He soon discovered that his freakish height gave him an advantage on the basketball court. In high school Lincoln led his team to four state championships and was a four-time Mr. Indiana under the coaching of a young Bobby Knight, who was only a high school coach at the time. It was at this time that Abram had his name legally changed to Abraham after Bobby Knight told him, ""I ain't going to learn how to pronounce Abram.""
After high school, Lincoln and his family moved to Illinois. There, Abraham had several profound moments. He learned that he profoundly stunk at flatboat sailing, store ownership and surveying. So Abraham decided to become a lawyer. After winning his first case, a man came up to him and said, ""Way to go Honest Abe."" Thinking the man was making fun of him for being a lawyer, Lincoln killed the man with his bare hands. And that is how he earned the nickname ""Death Hands"" Lincoln.
After a few years of being a lawyer, Lincoln traveled to Ripon, Wis. to attend the first ever GOP meeting. Here, he had ""Ripon Good Cookies"" for the very first time, and liked them so much that they inspired him to run for President of the United States. His platforms were to halt the spread of slavery, ""Ripon Good Cookies"" for everyone and the elimination of the Three Second Rule.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860 and grew a beard to celebrate. Some people say it's because a little girl told him to, but Abraham Lincoln didn't take fashion advice from little girls, believe you me. Lincoln's biggest challenge during his presidency was the Civil War, but with his freeze breath and rocket pack, Lincoln defeated the South at the National Park of Gettysburg to win the war for the North.
Sadly, Lincoln was shot shortly afterwards while seeing a play at Ford's Theater. This is why you should never sit in the balcony.
For more information about Lincoln, consult your local libraries.
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