So what did I do for my winter break? Like many of you, I spent it at my family home in the Bahamas, swimming with the dolphins. Well, that's not totally true. Replace the Bahamas with Minnesota and the ocean with a frozen lake. Plus, replace the dolphins with that weird man who seems to act like he lives there and calls me by my first name. Wait a minute, that's my dad. All aside, I was away from the hustle and bustle of Madtown.
The cold winter days give a man a lot of time to sit and ponder his existence. It gives him time to revel in the majesty of all God has bestowed upon us, and the goals we strive to reach in our spiritual, social and academic lives. Me, I watched cable. And I have reached a couple of conclusions:
1. \Saved By the Bell"" sucks. I'm sorry, I can't put it any other way than that. I mean, we all need some sort of unintelligent dribble to watch when we're bored. I prefer ""The O'Reilly Factor."" And in the past, I have tried to avoid ""SBTB"" like the plague. However, I decided to watch a few episodes, and I have got to say that I am now dumber for having watched them. The Bayside crew, as some historians have come to call them, chew the scenery like that mom on ""7th Heaven"" and have wasted millions of advertising dollars better spent on a fishing show. And after speaking with some of my friends about the issue, I have also realized that there are two types of people in the world'those who hate ""Saved by the Bell"" and those who think A.C. Slater is a fine name for their child.
2. CBS hates me. It hates me so much, it put together the worst football pregame show ever conceived. Why does Jerry Glanville have a job? Aren't Frodo Baggins and the other hobbits missing him at the Shire? I propose that Fox negotiates a deal to trade Cris Collinsworth to CBS and Fox gets Melissa Stark. That way, Fox would finally give me a reason to tolerate Terry Bradshaw and his damn 10-10-220-dialing mind.
3. You can make a list for everything. From the top 10 videos of September 1987 to the top 10 movie fart jokes of all time, everyone is getting on this bandwagon of the top 10 of everything. I've seen so many lists, my column is in list form! My good friend told me that UW-Madison ranked first in the top 10 most sexually active universities of America. First of all, how do you rate that? ""Yes, hello sir. Have you gotten your rocks off today, and if so, was it with (a) a woman, (b) a man, or (c) a farm animal of some sort?"" I don't know. Like I said, you think about some weird things when you have nothing to do at home.
4. Girls have really gone wild! Christ almighty, do their parents know what they're doing on spring break? And there's a new volume every two weeks, which means that this scandalous activity is occurring a lot! I'm never having daughters and if I do, I'm demanding that they come home for spring break and Mardi Gras.
5. Finally, I shouldn't have watched that much television in the first place.
