Here we are, 2002. The old Double Deuce. Now, I'm no predictatologist, but I've got a bad feeling coming into this year. The storm clouds are gathering, my friends. Don't believe me? Look at the evidence.
Remember It? The mysterious invention that was supposed to revolutionize the way human beings travel?
Neither did I. But then I saw a picture of It, and I tell you I was blown away. It is amazing! It is astounding! It is, well, it's a scooter.
Granted, it's a very cool scooter. It's nice and shiny and the wheels appear to be perfect circles.
But the thing is a scooter! Its top speed is 15 mph! What is this supposed to replace, the NONmotored scooter? Ladies and gentlemen, if you are in a situation where you are constantly saying to yourself, \Gee, if there were only some way I could achieve speeds exceeding 10 mph, yet falling short of 20,"" I have a suggestion for you. Set your alarm clock for a half hour earlier in the morning. And, if that doesn't solve the problem, catch a bus.
Speaking of things that don't make sense, there's this recent invention. What you do, according to the commercial, is spray your body with this miracle product and then simply wipe away your unwanted body hair. As an added bonus, the hair will then stay away for weeks at a time. And, if you weren't already falling over yourself to call and order this scientific marvel, you also get a free robe thrown in with the deal. Well, oh boy! After you go overboard and accidentally spray away every inch of hair on your body, the people at the spray factory can just say, ""Well, put on the robe until it grows back.""
Now, I'm no anatomyogist, but, being a human being, I think I have a pretty good grasp on how the human body works. I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that anything that causes your hair to fall off and stay off for an extended period of time is not good for you. Usually, if your hair is falling off your body you start wig shopping or you stop wearing the kryptonite ring. You don't mail in a second payment of $9.95 plus $3.50 shipping and handling.
And speaking of things that are less than healthy for you...
I, like most people, would like to be in better shape. I could go to the gym to work out, but the gym always reminds me of not only how out of shape I am, but also how much I dislike going to the gym to work out. So this device seems like a gift from above. You just strap it on, turn it on and BOOYAH, you've got muscles.
And that's what scares me. I may not be an electronition but I seem to remember reading that it takes a good chunk of electricity to cause your muscles to contract. But from the commercials, the model bodies just twitch away without a care in the world. Of course, they don't usually show the faces of these models, so who knows what kind of pain they're really in.
So, as I said before, I see dark days ahead of us. Still not convinced? Well then consider this last bit of information. Since these products have become more popular, have you noticed the nights have gotten longer and the days have gotten colder? Coincidence? I don't think so.
OUT!
