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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Dual identities and damn dirty apes

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started out at Cape Kennedy, aboard a fast spaceship.  




The Colonel was a cynical man, the woman cute and demure. Four passengers set sail that day for a colonizing tour. 




The space route started getting rough, the tiny craft was tossed. If not for the emergency hatch, the Colonel would be lost. The Colonel would be lost. The ship crashed down in the desert of this crazy monkey land, with Taylor, Doctor Zaius too, Cornelius and his wife, the Nova girl and all the rest, here on Planet of the Apes. 




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We once again join Colonel George Taylor on the ever-zany Planet of the Apes, as he starts to come to grips with the fact that he's back on the planet Earth. 








Taylor's dramatics are cut short as another familiar space man stumbles into view. 




Who are you? 




Captain Leo Davidson, United States Air Force. And you are? 




Colonel George Taylor, I'M in the United States Air Force. How did you get here? 




My spaceship crash landed here. 




MY spaceship crash landed here!  




Really? Wow. Small world, huh? 




I'll say. Where's the rest of your rescue crew? 




How'd you know I was on a rescue mission? 




I'm stuck on a frigging planet full of apes, aren't I? You're with the Air Force, I'M with the Air Force. Why else would you be here? It's certainly not for the view. But let's just get going. 




Yeah, the ape police are probably hot on my trail. 




Ape police? You mean the army? 




No, I mean ape police. Aren't they after you too? 




Nooooo. Not really. 




Huh. Hey, who's the girl? 




That's Nova. 




Hey Nova. 








Something wrong with her voice? 




Yeah, the humans here don't talk. Didn't you notice that? Or were you too busy running from the 'ape police'? 




What do you mean they don't talk? The humans I was with talked. 




What? I thought the radioactive blast de-evolved the humans, leaving them mute. 




Radioactive blast? The apes have nukes? 




No! These apes can't figure out flight, much less nuclear weapons. We did this. 




You and Nova have nukes? 




We, as in Humankind. Someone shot an A-bomb at someone else and now we've got an ape-ruled planet and a melted down Statue of Liberty. 




That's funny. I figured this was all Thade's doing. 








Yeah, you know, Thade? Chimpanzee, violent little guy, rides a horse. 




Was he one of Dr. Zaius's soldiers? 




Doctor who-us? 




You know, Dr. Zaius? Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius. Ooooohhh-oohhh Dr. Zaius? 




Not ringing any bells. 




You know, as much as it sickens me to think there's another one, you might not be on the right ape-run planet. 




Yeah, I think you're right. Well look, this is kind of embarrassing then. Uh, it was very nice meeting you, though. 




Yeah, you too. 




With Davidson walking back out of view, Taylor goes back to his sand pounding. 








Hey, just a quick question. Did you ever find any of the female chimps kind of sexy? 




NO. Why? 




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