My name is Michael Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo Jones III. I went to an all-boys Catholic military academy, which prepared me for the coed, hedonistic, tree-hugging policies of Wisconsin.
I like to drink a liter of Jack Daniels every night because the voices in my head demand a tribute. I also like to take long walks on the beach and work with an elderly and sassy black woman on overthrowing the country of Lesotho.
I'm attending Wisconsin because my father, and his father and his father, never went to Wisconsin. I belong to a secret
society consisting of Freemasons, Illuminati and the Triumvirate (the first one). Our mission is to leak rock into rich white suburban neighborhoods like that one movie with Michael Douglas ('One Night at McCool's,' wasn't it?).
My favorite movie is 'Pocahontas,' and I can sing all of the songs and perform the dances step for step. My main goal in life is to get past all of the rules that crusty old dean makes to keep us playas down'man.
This is all in an elaborate scheme with my buddies: the nerdy computer expert, the psycho partier, the wisecracking foreign exchange student who makes machine-like noises with his voice, my dog Skip and the girl of my dreams, who will naturally fall in love with me after my plan works.
I'll be inhabiting a janitorial closet from which I will emerge for one hour each night to perform ingenious physics equations on a nearby blackboard, before being chased off by that crusty old dean'man.
