almanac

Campus douche shocked to find that women no longer thrilled to hear his mediocre rendition of “Wonderwall”

Hugh Jass strums a forlorn chord from “Wonderwall” in a lonely field.

Following the Badgers’ sweeping victory last Saturday, most of the student population could most likely be found in celebration, including junior Econ major and aspiring hipster Hugh Jass. Hugh and his friends were enjoying a night of revelry in their communal Mifflin home when he noticed something unusual.
“When we were all hanging out in the basement to watch the end of a beer pong tournament, I thought I’d whip out my guitar. You know, to set the mood and help everybody relax. It’s usually a big hit with the ladies, too,” Hugh told me, when I spoke with him about his experience earlier this week. He quickly found out that wasn’t the case.
“I had to play the opening progression three whole times before anyone even realized I was playing! Even after I said ‘Anyway, here’s Wonderwall,’ which is, like, my signature opening line, more people moved away from me than usual!”
Hugh was both shocked and surprised at the reaction to his “classic” ice-breaker for many casual gatherings and social events of the past. When I proceeded to ask if he had considered mastering yet another overplayed campfire tune, he was adamant that it was his “signature song.”
With the well-known progressive social environment of our fair city, change has become commonplace as it reflects the artistic diversity of our community. New bands and independent artists are steadily emerging onto the scene and show no signs of slowing down, continually setting the bar higher and higher for those wishing to make an impression.
“I don’t know what’s going on with people these days,” Hugh remarked when I asked about the future of music. “All I know is that stupid Oasis song doesn’t get me nearly as much poon as it used to.”
Those akin with Hugh who possess only a casual interest in music involving actual instruments instead of Macbooks and drum machines will too feel the effects of this evolution as it takes place right before our eyes. That being said, twenty-something desperados hoping to stay afloat in this turbulent musical era should look no further than the simple four-chord progressions behind 90s hits such as Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, Sublime’s “Santeria”, and Green Day’s “Wake Me Up (When September Ends)”.
As for the future of these campfire crooners, will they continue their reign of terror over casual friendly gatherings and bonfires? Or will the demand for real talent finally snuff them out?

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