almanac

Trump blows off economic advisors, champions return to archaic, long-abandoned gold standard in 2017

Trump forgot to remove his helmet after appraising a gold mine.

Image By: Patrick Hoeppner

“It makes sense,” President Trump tweeted Tuesday, amidst declarations of open aggression toward belligerent Southeast Asian nations and tirades against the NFL, “that our nation’s economy be centered around the most valuable metal around!”

“He really likes the color gold,” a Treasury official said. “He said that he is willing to donate a portion of the gold lettering from his two Trump Towers to bolster the coffers of the Federal Reserve in New York.”

“Analytically, it doesn’t make sense,” a junior economic analyst at the White House said. “The return to the gold standard in the 1920s, opposed by John Maynard Keynes, plunged every participant nation into the worst depression of the modern commercial era.”

Stock analysts in McGraw, Norton, and Pearson’s Wall Street Office claim that their holdings in gold will skyrocket as a result of the new executive actions.

“Since the gold standard rests on the value of an arbitrarily valued and easily mined metal, this volatility will really do wonders for our bonuses,” a junior trader, fresh from a top-tier Ivy League school, said. “I was going to pull in three million before bonuses last year, but Trump’s actions make it look more like four or five.”

Other Wall Street firms are less optimistic.

“It doesn’t make much sense to ignore the advice of every economist since the Roaring Twenties,” said a UW-Madison economics professor. “In our opinion, it’s a load of shit.”

Aides confirmed that Trump had been locked in his room with a copy of the James Bond classic film Goldfinger in preparation for the upcoming executive action. 

“Mr. President really likes the character of Archie Goldfinger,” a secret service agent said under oath. “Even though he won’t be contaminating Fort Knox, his advisors thought it prudent to recommend the film as an educational feature about the price of gold, and how it goes up and down.”

Plans to bolster the United States’ gold coffers include an appraisal of the entire Fort Knox and New York Federal Reserve inventories and small-scale CIA invasions of gold-rich nation-states such as Tanzania, Ghana and South Africa.

The chart behind the podium justifying the action was both mistitled and misspelled as Sarah Huckabee Sanders made the news official to the nation. “It’s evident that the gold standard is the best way to peg our currency, and we hope our economy can handle it.”

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