almanac

James Comey: I thought I was done with this job

James Comey stares vacantly towards a crowd of onlookers as he’s forced to relive the most harrowing 139 days of his life.

Image By: Creative Commons - Rich Girard

The exasperation was palpable across fired FBI director James Comey’s face on Thursday morning as he traipsed through the ordeal of sitting in a government building for reasons other than obtaining a boating license.
“To be honest, I’d rather eat radioactive waste by myself  than dine with President Trump,” Comey said, clearing his throat into the microphone. “I was really looking forward to a kitesurfing vacation with an eccentric billionaire like Richard Branson, and I am disheartened by the fact that Washington wants me back.”
Laptop keyboards at the hands of Politico and Buzzfeed reporters were hammering away as Comey blasted away one-liner after one-liner of his time working with progressively inept members of the Trump administration.
Former FBI officials agree that Comey’s experience as a fired FBI director is not commonplace, owing to exceptional levels of political and social turmoil across the federal government after the installation of dysfunctional executive staff with record-low levels of political skill.
“Hopefully this hearing only lasts one day,” Comey said, “and I’d prefer them to put me up in the Watergate. I’d rather have my phones tapped than stay in that disasterpiece of a hotel Trump built down the street.
Trump likes tweeting about his tapes. The American people want to see some tapes—namely those tapes with the call girls and the golden shower from the Russian hotel. WikiLeaks could prove itself useful and make that information public.
“It’s unfortunate that Bannon isn’t present, front-row, at these hearings. Seeing as he’s the maniac who orchestrated this; why blame the ushers for a bad show?
“And Kellyanne Conway…” Comey lamented, “conversations with her are like talking to a Chia Pet.”

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.

Comments powered by Disqus

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Cardinal.