Ass Waxing

Spring Cleaning: Dirty Birds plan to celebrate Earth Day by removing invasive Gentle Clowns from Vilas Park

The Dirty Birds celebrating their 7-5 victory in a softball game against the Badger Herald in 2016. Analysts say the margin will be much larger this year, which has prompted speculation that the Gentle Clowns might not show up Saturday.

Image By: Betsy Osterberger-Cardinal File Photo

Earth Day observers who were anticipating a close and exciting softball game between The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald might be out of luck. The Herald—all eight of them—reportedly don’t have enough people or the will to even show up on time to the annual showdown at Vilas Park.

“I was ready to just get this game over with so the rest of Cardinal staff can get back to reporting and doing their jobs on Saturday,” Sports Editor Tommy Valtin-Erwin said, who said the game will be over before he can even repeat his record-breaking performance at the chugging off. “We already know the Cardinal is going to win, and apparently, the Herald knows that, since they are too scared to take an early L, per usual.”

Campus News Editor Sammy “Grand Slam" Gibbons explained that she had an event to cover after going yard twice, and needs to make it to another tattoo appointment that afternoon.

“The fans, the new recruits, they love our tattoos,” Gibbons said. “I think we’re all getting one after the game to commemorate how we win at sports and everything else.”

After learning that the Herald likely won’t have enough people to field a team, Hamilton enthusiasts Ben “I’m still from New York” Pickman, Sebastian “Let me give you a tour” van Bastelaer and Ellie “Did you know I’m a Cubs fan?” Herman were found meandering around Henry Vilas Zoo singing every track off the Hamilton album.

The Dirty Birds are so heavily favored in the matchup against the Gentle Clowns that Editor-in-Chief Theda “How to Save a Life using Course Guide” Berry isn’t planning on staying the entire ball game.

“I mean, I just want to get to Paul’s Pel’meni before everyone else does,” she said. “It’s going to be packed with staff after the game because their delicious Russian dumplings are the breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions.”

Incoming Editor-in-Chief Madeline “I’m Ready to Run this World” Heim said she was ready to cement her place in history.

“I’ve looked at the long tradition of winning here at the Cardinal, most notably Jim’s ability to make sure we protect this house,” Heim said while preparing for another MUSE bake sale. “This upcoming year will be no different.”

The other half of the Cardinal’s future management team, Andrew “Bahl is Life” Bahl said his scouting reports, which Heim double-bylined on, show no major threat from the Herald, even if they decide to show up.

“Well, when you’re playing a team that has no history, there’s not much to scout or be worried about,” the Baltimore native said. “I mean, they decided to not cover the NCAA Tournament this year so they could prepare for this game, but that can’t make up for years of not existing.”

Copy Chief Katie “Cash me at Whiskey’s how bow dah” Gvozdjak has been preparing all week to deliver not just a keg, but a victory for her beloved Cardinals.

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